elle jay*

i love how the little things can make the biggest difference. i havent been in the best of moods lately. not that anything was majorly wrong, i was just letting my inner voice take over and it wasnt being very positive. however, after speaking to him and explaining what was wrong i feel about a million times better. its not like he told me anything i didnt already know, its just that i need a reminder every so often. it seems that without them i seem to let my mind wander and it usually likes to head toward negativity-ville. im working on that tho.

so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

its been a month since i last posted. ive slacked immensely, but im back! i dont know what the deal was. nothing to talk about i suppose. my diet has hit a plateau which is bugging the fuck out of me. however, im still following it and its causing me to exercise even more than i was before. seriously, pretty much on and off all day im exercising. like he says, im gonna be break dancing in  no time, lol. even tho the diet is going slow, i can at least say im not gaining any weight.. just not losing it either. its a bit annoying, but im not worried. itll pick up again.

aside from that, ive gotten back into my art. i think ive finally found what i really enjoy doing. line drawings. it sounds simpler than it is, lol. but believe me, its hundreds of lines one after another.. its quite therapeutic to be honest. its great to just turn on some music and get to work. and then after im done with all th elines i add color with my chalks. the pieces look amazing and it feels good to actually have completed pieces especially since i havent had a completed piece in a long time. i think i got overwhelmed with what ive tried to do in the past, but with the newer pieces i finished i made them much smaller than i had been trying to do. i figure i can work my way up to larger pieces. im definitely going to be doing more of these because what id really like to do is sell them online. i have some other technics i wanna try out too, which i plan on doing tomorrow. all i can say is.. i fucking love sharpies. the pens are amazing and the markers rock as well, lol.

anyway, nothing else has really been going on.. just the usual. i think im gonna head to bed tho. hes got an early wake up call waiting for him cause he has treats to pick up from post office today, yay! so, off to sleepydoodles for me.. and more art tomorrow and a post. oh! ill tell you about my new book tomorrow :) yay!

..and then the house is mine for the week! yay! my friend thats staying with me is also on a diet, which makes it a little easier. we already have planned on playing a ton of wii and we have some arts and crafts projects in the works. shes givin up drinking so no alcohol here, which is again nice because alcohol and diets dont mix well. there will be plenty of herbal refreshments tho. those can cause a bit of an issue with sticking to the whole no cheating thing, BUT with the wii and crafts and some card games.. i think we will be quite alright. plus, if we do get the munchies there is always fruits and veggies to have. ;D

speaking of diets.. only 27 more pounds to go before i hit my short term goal. so, yay! i also think my sleeping schedule is back on track. its been a long time since ive been ready to go to bed by 10/11pm, but for the past couple days i have been and then ive been up around 8am.. on my own accord! lol, that hasnt happened in ages! i just need to keep it up, especially when the folks go out of town. thats when it could go downhill. i refuse to let it tho. i kind of like being up early, getting my to-do list for the day together and then slowly checkin them off. feels like im accomplishing thing.. well, thats cause i am, but it feels better to actually be able to check whatever it is off the list. see the progression rather than just move from one thing to the next.

so, ive been thinking about the new ink i want and as much as i want to do it right this second.. i think im going to wait until i reach my short term goal. just like im waiting til im out in england to finish it, i have to wait til i hit my 30lbs by april 1st mark before i can start it. i think itll be the perfect reward and then i can take new pictures of myself 60lbs lighter and with new ink. itll be perfect! anyway, i have things to do! time to get on the case :)

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.
Mike Murdock

i cant wait for them to go! i really need a break from the folks. my ma is driving me up a wall. anyway! we have two new sites to create for people, so our little business is going well. lol, too bad we arent making any money off  it it yet. i think the next site, regardless of who its for, we need to charge. even if its just a bit. dont get me wrong, i love helping people out. but how many are we going to do for free before its our time to get paid?

ive been workin on some of my art and figuring out some stationery designs. so i cant wait to see where i can go with those.. besides that i havent been doing much, just lots of sleep and brainstorming… im off for now tho ;p more tomorrow, promise!

i have lost more weight! another 1.5lbs which brings me to a total of 29.6 lost so far. im so excited! diets really suck, im not going to lie. but when you see the results it makes it all worth it. when you continually see the numbers drop on the scale it makes all the shitty food and sacrifices seem moot. do i want to eat the foods i know i shouldnt? of course. do i have insane cravings at times? fuck yea. do i watch the food network and basically torture myself with all the yumminess they show on there? sadly, i do. lol i do just like to watch them cook too, tho. reagardless of all that, do i fuck up what ive worked for for a few minutes of something tasting good before its gone? no, i dont. you wanna know why? cause nothing.. nothing tastes as good as being thin is going to feel.

thats what i realized today. ive lost 1.5lbs in a matter of 3 days. why? cause im determined. im motivated. ive got that grrrr factor back and im not letting it slip away again! ive added new things i can do to exercise even when im sitting in bed.. kinda like im doing now while i type this post. its eleven at night and im exercising even tho i can wait til the morning. why? cause i want this more than anything and i have deadlines and goals to meet. even the littlest movements can help, thats obvious after my last weigh-in. and it will be even more obvious after the next one and the one after that and so on ;D

30lbs by april 1st. pfft, thatll be a piece of proverbial cake ;D lol. for now tho i need sleep, i have a business meeting in the morning with my cousin! sleepydoodle time! positive mental attitude for the win! lol

When you know what you want
and you want it badly enough,
you’ll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn

i feel bad. today was his last day off and i slept thru it. we were on yahoo voice, but i slept. he even wanted to watch a movie and i slept thru that! i love being able to hang with him and nerd out, but i slept thru it today and it makes me a little sad. honestly tho, i think a part of the excess sleeping is that im a little depressed. im still all about the positive mental attitude, ive just been thinking about my brother a lot the past week or so. ive gotten angry out of nowhere and sad.. and i just think its all starting to sink in slowly. so to deal with it, im sleeping more. that stops tomorrow. i am sad about it, but i cant let it dictate my actions. i still have things i need to do and i cant get them done or reach my goals by slacking off even if it happens to be a valid reason.

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

i want to post, but i want to sleep. decisions, decisions. this wont be a long post cause honestly, i might pass out in the middle of it lol. just a quick little diet update.. i have officially lost 28lbs so far or for the brits, 2stone. ;D im quite pleased. my graphic design page is coming along nicely and him and i have decided to branch out into website design as well. weve already begun working on one, plus the one for us.. and i must say, we are fucking good. team nerd ‘86! 2010 is definitely shaping up to be one hell of a year and i have most definitely started off on the right track. i cant wait to see what this year holds for me.. for now tho, sleepydoodles! lol ;p

fifteen days until the folks are out of town again. dont get me wrong, i love my parents. but holy fuck, sometimes they drive me crazy. im pretty sure we are all ready to have a vacation from each other. so im pretty excited. my friend that normally doesnt stay with me is going to come and help me for the week. shes also going to be bringing goodies with her, so yay! lol

i really dont know what to post about tonight. i didnt so all that much today. aside from brainstorming.. which is basically sleeping, lol. however, him and i did put together a great web page for a friend of his. it took pretty much all night, but it was a good learning experience. especially after i broke it at one point and he had to fix it, lol. however, after a new theme and a little handy work between the two of us we were able to get it all sorted! ;D what else did i do.. umm played a little wii, kicked my dads ass in it, of course. watched a movie with the folks and am about to go post on his site i think.. or attempt it or work on the site a little bit more. i havent decided yet, lol. i might even go to bed.. who really knows!

oh! i almost forgot, i totally tied my hair up tonight all by myself! i havent been able to do that in ages. granted, it took me about five minutes and it fell out of the ponytail about ten minutes later, lol. but! the point is i did it all on my own.. im quite proud of that. anyway, now its time to post elsewhere, work on css or sleep, lol.. peace, love and positive mental attitude! ;)

pseudo me. myself, but not the real me. the person i want to be. the person i want people to see. the person i wish i was.wouldnt it be great to be yourself, but not be you at all? pseudo me isnt much different than myself. she can walk, shes outgoing and shes thin. i want to be her. get rid of the original me and take the place of the new and improved me. the pseudo me. i wish it were that easy, like casting a movie. no, i dont like you. youre too fat, next please! no, no not you either. we need someone who can walk. next! ah, yes. finally, ive found the pseudo me. now, transfer brains and we are done. if it only it were that easy. but instead im stuck with the original, the enemy. the one i hate. the one i dont want to be. what is there left to do? transform the original? is it possible? maybe. sure, it wouldnt be as good as i would want it to be, but anything is better than the original me.

so this was a journal entry from quite a few years ago. i dont feel exactly the same, but some parts still ring true. regardless, im transforming the original me and ill be better than i even imagined. ;D for now tho, im so tired, i have to pass out! and like i said, the post was originally from a few years ago, im still all about the positive mental attitude!

its one of the hardest things to do sometimes, but one of the most important things to do to make sure i stay on track. to be honest, ive been doing pretty good so far. ive been wii’ing for at least an hour every day, sometimes a little more. plus, im also doing other exercises while i watch tv or if im working on the computer. i need to prove to myself that i can do this, regardless of how much dieting sucks lol. the sacrifice is most definitely be worth it as will the end result. i will literally be half my size. and ill have done it all on my own. well, mostly.. of course the support and encouragement helps. :)

another thing i think i might do to keep motivated is to put up some pictures that would remind me of what im working for. i have to admit, i got the idea from him, lol. he thought id make fun of him for doing it himself [weve all got goals!], but i actually thought it was a great idea. so, im going to start looking for some things that remind me of england and maybe some clothes i want or clothes id be able to wear once i hit my goal weight. only thing is i dont have anywhere to put them. hes got an office/studio, i have a bedroom. i think i might have to go get a cork-board and make use off it or i can be creative and maybe possibly make my own. ive done it in the past.. im sure i can do it again. who knows tho, lol. reagardless, i think having those visuals up is exactly what i need to keep me on track. polo does a pretty good job as well, if you remember hes one of the little guys he bought for me. i sent him marco and kept polo. they are our mascots and in all honesty, it really does work. hes just that little reminder of what im working towards and i love it.

so tomorrow is all about gathering things for motivation.. and logo making.. and music finding.. and umm idk what else! lol, ill find out tomorrow i suppose :) as for now tho, its time to sleep.. or at least attempt it cause at the moment im not really sleepy, but i know i should at least try. gotta get that schedule/routine sorted out asap!

Obstacles are things a person sees
when he takes his eyes off his goal.
E. Joseph Cossman

oh how i miss you! im actually excited about moving to arizona. i know its a few years off and to be honest anything can happen by then.. but if i end up going there, itll be awesome. and fucking warm! yay!! i know when i first brought it up i was kind of reluctant to pick up and move out there. i even told my ma that id gladly stay in the house, get a couple roommates and they can head there without me. but ive been thinking about it more and more.. honestly, why would i stay here?

first of all, the weather sucks ass. summer isnt so bad, but holy shit does winter suck. i hate the cold with a passion. plus, snow and my wheelchair dont mix well. im tired of being stuck in the house or not even being able to sit out on the deck cause of the weather. oh, but in arizona.. theres sun! and plenty of it.. all year round, too. seriously! they actually have places like that!! who knew?! i need the sun. winter gets me so down in the dumps and sometimes i get to the point where i dont know how to get out of it. gimme my damn vitamin D! no ruts this year tho, thats the plan.. its all about the positive mental attitude for 2010 and years to come hopefully. but for now, its the major component in reaching the goals id like to reach this year. i digress [sorta].. sunshine here i come!

and secondly, i didnt wanna move cause id leave all my friends. seriously tho.. i dont think it matters. this isnt me being all sad and whatnot.. this is me being honest. i have friends, but i dont really see them. ever. its a rarity even when plans are made things always seem to happen and then im left doing nothing. usually tho there are no calls or plans being made.. so if i moved out to arizona it wouldnt be any different, just warmer which we already established is a plus. maybe being out there would be a great fresh start.. by the time we would go ill be a completely different person.. not in my personality, aside from picking up some self-esteem and self-confidence, but i will look completely different. ill be able to go meet new people and not be hating the way i look. new start, new friends sounds pretty good to me. doesnt mean id forget my old friends or leave them behind, especially him. the best friend slot is taken, lol. he already has a room at the arizona house too, haha. ;D

anyway, like i said its still a few years off and who knows where ill be when they are ready to head out that way. fuck, maybe by then ill have my own place in some other state or country for that matter. maybe my own place, maybe a place with roommates, maybe a boyfriend i live with.. who knows?! anything is possible. for now tho, its sleepydoodle time before i wake his ass up, lol. positive mental attitudes, lovlies!!

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t
change it, change the way you think about it.
Mary Engelbreit

i have my long term goal in site, but i can cut it down a bit into a short term goal. not so much making it “more realistic” cause it isnt an unrealistic goal to begin with. its just a matter of making it feel a little more.. reachable. baby steps is the way im going. i want to lose 100lbs. ive already lost 26. realistically i can lose the rest, but when you say 74 more to go, it sounds like a lot. mainly because it is!

so, ive set a short term goal.. 30lbs by april 1st. that means by his birthday ill have lost 4stone.. or 56lbs. which means!!! only 44 after that! see it sounds better already, lol. honestly tho, regardless of how i split it up or what short term goals i make.. it doesnt matter cause come mid-august ill be at my goal weight and on my way to england! ive never been so determined about anything in my entire life. i cant help it tho, just the thought of being out there gets me so anxious and excited.

i feel like this is seriously going to be a great year for me. i can feel it! im already on track with this weight loss and im working on saving up the cash for my trip. and im working on getting the graphic design business going.. seriously, 2010 is the year of change for the better! anyway, im freakin tired and really need to get some rest if i ever wanna be done being sick. longer post tomorrow, promise ;)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Lao Tzu

i dont know who believes in paranormal and who doesnt, i definitely am a believer tho. i always have been. i have had my own experiences quite a few different times. besides that, who is to say there is no such thing as ghosts? most likely the same people that say there are no such things as aliens, but thats a whole different post. anyway, tonight i had a little moment and im sure some people would say it was a coincident. i dont care. everyone is free to believe what they want, but i honestly think it was my brothers way of letting us know everything is alright.

him and i were chatting, listening to music [gnr to be exact, reliving our youth, lol].. the usual. he asked me to work on a page for a friend of his, so i started messing around in photoshop. i needed to come up with a background for the site and i remembered that one of the filters is a random pattern maker. i didnt know what to start out with for it so i just typed the guys name across the screen and opened the filter. ive never actually used it before so i just selected the name and clicked the “generate” button. i must have clicked it about a bajillion times cause none of the patterns were really working for the intended background purposes. ive been randomly thinking about my brother today and at that point i had a thought. i dont remember how it was worded but it was along the lines of “i hope hes alright..” immediately after i said that i clicked the generate button again and this is what i saw..

im ok. i got chills from head to toe. i truly believe my brother sent this to us to let us know everything is alright now. maybe it was pure coincidence.. but i believe with all my heart that it wasnt, my brother worked with computers. its only fitting that thats how he would choose to communicate with us. it still gives me chills when i look at the pic..

anyway, im off. i have graphics to do and blurbs to think about! and then its time for sleep, lol, its been a long day and im sick.. gotta get better ;D

You can kill the body, but not the spirit.
Robert Louis Stevenson

this year is all about revolutions! thats right, fuck resolutions. this is the year of change. its time for me to really get on the case. i slacked a little on my diet with everything that was going on with my family, plus the holidays. it all just was bad timing and i got off track. no more of that tho! mid august is my deadline for getting to my goal weight and i WILL get there because i WILL be going to england to see him then. my funds are coming along nicely, including my spare change jar. now its time to start preparing. i need to look shit up for this trip.. its not something i can do last minute.

the diet is first and foremost. ive already decided that im going to start using that arm exercise thing i have in my room. i cant use it every day because it does make my arms extremely tired. so, ive decided to use it a couple times a week for a few minutes and continue wii’ing at least an hour every day, no less!! no more cheat days, no excuses. i also need to start getting up by at least 10am at the latest even if i go to bed late, which i usually do whether i want to or not. im hoping to get into a routine so that maybe by 10 or 11 at night im ready for sleep. that would be ideal.

i have other things i need to keep focused on as well. another one of my major revolutions is to get my graphic design site up and running. ive set a goal for the end of february for that one. id like to have the site running by then. cause i cant get paying customers if i dont have my shit together. ive done a lot of stuff for people, but its all been pro bono.. which is absolutely fine with me. its been a great learning experience and ive loved it and continue to.. especially when its for him, hes so anal about it, but its made me work harder and ive gotten to the point that i can make him happy with a graphic on the first try.. at least a few times ive been able too, lol. however, its time i also start getting paid for my time/work. so.. getting the site going is one of my top revolutions!

another is my art. i really need to get back into it. obviously graphic design is art, but i mean more like my paintings and drawings. i have some ideas in my head and i cant wait to get them down on paper or canvas. i also need to keep blogging on a daily basis. no more slacking there either! im pretty sure thats it for my revolutions.. at least so far. i think its a pretty good start tho!

see you later 2009.. hello, 2010!
viva la revolución! ;p [that ones just for you, lol.. well us, but ya know.]

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language.
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot

a little over a month to be exact. sorry for the delay in posts, but this time there is a legitimate reason. unfortunately, its a reason i wish i didnt have. two days after my last post my family received some bad news. it was 2am and i couldnt sleep, neither could he. so we were hanging out online together. the phone rang. without thinking i said, “its either my brother or something happened.” i couldnt quite make out the conversation being held. the only words i heard were ‘investigation’ and ‘in his sleep’. i already knew, but didnt want to jump to any conclusions. then i heard it.. my ma crying. everyone has heard their mother cry at some point or another.. not like this tho. unless youve been in a similiar situation. her cry was so.. raw. it hit me in a way ive never experienced before and it broke my heart to hear it.

i still didnt know for sure what was going on.. so i called into into the other room. finally, she came into my bedroom and told me that my brother had passed away in his sleep. i went numb. i had emailed him less than a week prior about christmas eve. telling him to stop being a douche towards ma, that she just worries about him and whether or not he likes it, its her job. i told him he should consider coming to the house christmas eve and spend it with the family like we used to do not go downtown with friends.. that his family needs to see him, that we miss him. he never replied back.

from the 30th on is slightly blurry. there was a lot of family over every day without fail. lots of food being delivered and the phone ringing off the hook. random family friends coming by.. it was like grand central station. it still feels surreal. i know i didnt know him all that well considering he didnt live near us and we hardly spoke, reagardless he was my brother. i miss him and ive cried over it more times than i can count. i dont know what to say about it at the moment, but im sure as it sinks in more and more ill post about it. for now, im just going to try and move forward.

Death, the one appointment we all must
keep, and for which no time is set.
Charlie Chan