elle jay*

i should be in england right now. im not tho and its not that im not ready. i just havent met my goal weight, unfortunately. i could have gone regardless, but it would defeat the point of the trip to begin with. it is supposed to be my reward for reaching my goal weight and then it will be my trip of independence. i will go to england and itll be a fuckin blast, but its going to have to wait until i can get down to where i wanna be. basically because hes going to be the one helping me so i have to be at a point where he can actually do that and also i wanna be comfortable with myself. i know for a fact if i were to have gone id be way to self conscious of myself and although i know id still have fun, it wouldnt be the same as it will be when i do end up out there. hopefully, itll be by next summer.

thirty-five pounds down and ive seemed to come to a dead halt. im working hard on breaking free of this plateau i seem to be stuck on tho. im ready to take a running leap off of it to be honest. tomorrow starts a more intense work out. well, intense may be the wrong word, but itll be a little bit more than what i have been doing without killing myself or making myself too tired to be able to transfer myself cause thats no fun. i feel like i should be off exercising right now. hell, i think i might. ive got the motiviation, ive got the music.. i definitely have the time!

my future awaits.. its time for me to get on the case a bit more and not let it wait for too long. :)

ive been a slacker. big time. to be honest, i dont feel like my excuse is legitimate, but it is at the same time. its a difficult one to explain. i really dont know where ive been for the past couple months, but i feel like i checked out during that time. i was depressed. i was battling some personal demons, i still am. im frustrated, confused, angry, sad and emotionally drained. dont get me wrong tho because amoung this sea of negativity im clinging to this driftwood of positivity. my problem was i lost my grip, but ive gotten it back! and im here to stay. honestly, i should have been writing during it all, but i couldnt bring myself to. i dont even know how much i plan on sharing with those of you who do read this.. but i guess we will see, lol.

for starters, the diet. its going great. ive lost 34.8lbs, thats 2.48 stone. still a long way to go, but i am getting there. my exercise routine has expanded itself throughout my entire day now. im not even going to try to being the stuff ive got myself doing, but its working! i will admit that one of them is when i turn up some music fairly loud and move around in my chair as much as i can while i dance to it. its the one exercise id be embarrassed to be caught doing.. by anyone, lol.  my song of choice was pretty much given to me as my theme song by my nerdface. he definitely hit the nail on the head with it too. its called “on a mission” by gabriella cilmi.

its time to really get my ass in gear tho because england is just around the corner! just a little over three months and i plan on being there. reservations are in the making as are all the other little details i need to go thru before heading across the pond. i never really got that saying, across the pond. lets call it like it is shall we? a fuckin’ ocean. a very big, very cold ocean. that under normal circumstances i would be terrified of flying over for two reasons; 1. its a fucking ocean and 2. its flying.. over a fuckin ocean. ok, so maybe i still am a little nervous. however! its nothing like i thought it would be. check back in about three months and we will see if i have the same answer, lol. anyway, im getting all the little details sorted out and progress is moving along. ive done my research and now its time to act and make our plans a reality.

im still planning on getting some new ink before i head out there and then have it completed when im there. hopefully, ill be doing that soon. i need to draw up a design for a friend of mine looking for a gemini tattoo idea. once thats done we can head over to the place that my brother used to get his ink done at. im actually looking forward to that a lot. i think itll definitely be a therapeutic experience and probably something i need for a little closure with the whole thing. i think its a big reason theres some tension going on with my folks and myself lately. were dealing with it the best we can, but i think weve hit the ceiling on the situation. well figure it out tho because i know that no matter what they love me and i love them. i think we all just lose sight of that sometimes.

a big part of the negativity was lack of progess, ideas, creativity, projects.. im fixing that too. ive finally gotten my website up for my graphic design business. im going to also be making stationery/notecards. and i have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well. but there they shall remain for the time being. i just know i need to get back into my art big time and check on some dates for this summers array of street festivals. ;D adding that to my to-do list right now as a matter of fact!

alright, time for me to get back on the case! or maybe take a nap.. no, no nap. resistance will not win!! ;p

It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks
down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles.
Claude M. Bristol

i have to give a schuperschpechial thanks to him, my nerdface, for putting up that awesome clip of dug from UP! it makes me smile every time i play it and sometimes giggle ;D its the little things like that that make you absolutely amazing! thanks again, sweets ;p xx

I was hiding under your
porch because I love you.
-Dug

so along with last nights little accomplishment i had a couple tonight, too. i was able to tie my hair up again for starters. following that, i did my complete transfer from start to finish [excluding putting the cushion back on my chair] all by myself. that included being able to pull my pants off and back on.. i havent been able to do that in awhile. pretty sure the vitamins ive been taking are helpin, plus the wii playing! which i have to say, thank you again nerdface. i cant wait to kick your ass at bowling when i get to england. ;D

ive been a little down today, but then i put all my new art supplies together and started drawing a bit. i feel better already, hopefully tonight i can sleep and then be even better tomorrow. we shall see!!

it might not mean much to most people.. but tonight i tied my hair up all by myself! i know it doesnt sound like much, but its something i havent been able to do it in a long time. i just dont have the strength in my arms, but tonight.. i was determined! and after about five minutes it was done. not to mention the fact that even tho i was the one that did it, it still looked pretty fuckin cute. so, im quite pleased. :) its not a major break thru, but its a small accomplishment on the road of change! and now im off to bed because my sleep schedule is fucked up. maybe tonight ill be able to actually sleep tho! fingers crossedsies ;D lol.

i love how the little things can make the biggest difference. i havent been in the best of moods lately. not that anything was majorly wrong, i was just letting my inner voice take over and it wasnt being very positive. however, after speaking to him and explaining what was wrong i feel about a million times better. its not like he told me anything i didnt already know, its just that i need a reminder every so often. it seems that without them i seem to let my mind wander and it usually likes to head toward negativity-ville. im working on that tho.

so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

its been a month since i last posted. ive slacked immensely, but im back! i dont know what the deal was. nothing to talk about i suppose. my diet has hit a plateau which is bugging the fuck out of me. however, im still following it and its causing me to exercise even more than i was before. seriously, pretty much on and off all day im exercising. like he says, im gonna be break dancing in  no time, lol. even tho the diet is going slow, i can at least say im not gaining any weight.. just not losing it either. its a bit annoying, but im not worried. itll pick up again.

aside from that, ive gotten back into my art. i think ive finally found what i really enjoy doing. line drawings. it sounds simpler than it is, lol. but believe me, its hundreds of lines one after another.. its quite therapeutic to be honest. its great to just turn on some music and get to work. and then after im done with all th elines i add color with my chalks. the pieces look amazing and it feels good to actually have completed pieces especially since i havent had a completed piece in a long time. i think i got overwhelmed with what ive tried to do in the past, but with the newer pieces i finished i made them much smaller than i had been trying to do. i figure i can work my way up to larger pieces. im definitely going to be doing more of these because what id really like to do is sell them online. i have some other technics i wanna try out too, which i plan on doing tomorrow. all i can say is.. i fucking love sharpies. the pens are amazing and the markers rock as well, lol.

anyway, nothing else has really been going on.. just the usual. i think im gonna head to bed tho. hes got an early wake up call waiting for him cause he has treats to pick up from post office today, yay! so, off to sleepydoodles for me.. and more art tomorrow and a post. oh! ill tell you about my new book tomorrow :) yay!

..and then the house is mine for the week! yay! my friend thats staying with me is also on a diet, which makes it a little easier. we already have planned on playing a ton of wii and we have some arts and crafts projects in the works. shes givin up drinking so no alcohol here, which is again nice because alcohol and diets dont mix well. there will be plenty of herbal refreshments tho. those can cause a bit of an issue with sticking to the whole no cheating thing, BUT with the wii and crafts and some card games.. i think we will be quite alright. plus, if we do get the munchies there is always fruits and veggies to have. ;D

speaking of diets.. only 27 more pounds to go before i hit my short term goal. so, yay! i also think my sleeping schedule is back on track. its been a long time since ive been ready to go to bed by 10/11pm, but for the past couple days i have been and then ive been up around 8am.. on my own accord! lol, that hasnt happened in ages! i just need to keep it up, especially when the folks go out of town. thats when it could go downhill. i refuse to let it tho. i kind of like being up early, getting my to-do list for the day together and then slowly checkin them off. feels like im accomplishing thing.. well, thats cause i am, but it feels better to actually be able to check whatever it is off the list. see the progression rather than just move from one thing to the next.

so, ive been thinking about the new ink i want and as much as i want to do it right this second.. i think im going to wait until i reach my short term goal. just like im waiting til im out in england to finish it, i have to wait til i hit my 30lbs by april 1st mark before i can start it. i think itll be the perfect reward and then i can take new pictures of myself 60lbs lighter and with new ink. itll be perfect! anyway, i have things to do! time to get on the case :)

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.
Mike Murdock

i cant wait for them to go! i really need a break from the folks. my ma is driving me up a wall. anyway! we have two new sites to create for people, so our little business is going well. lol, too bad we arent making any money off  it it yet. i think the next site, regardless of who its for, we need to charge. even if its just a bit. dont get me wrong, i love helping people out. but how many are we going to do for free before its our time to get paid?

ive been workin on some of my art and figuring out some stationery designs. so i cant wait to see where i can go with those.. besides that i havent been doing much, just lots of sleep and brainstorming… im off for now tho ;p more tomorrow, promise!

i have lost more weight! another 1.5lbs which brings me to a total of 29.6 lost so far. im so excited! diets really suck, im not going to lie. but when you see the results it makes it all worth it. when you continually see the numbers drop on the scale it makes all the shitty food and sacrifices seem moot. do i want to eat the foods i know i shouldnt? of course. do i have insane cravings at times? fuck yea. do i watch the food network and basically torture myself with all the yumminess they show on there? sadly, i do. lol i do just like to watch them cook too, tho. reagardless of all that, do i fuck up what ive worked for for a few minutes of something tasting good before its gone? no, i dont. you wanna know why? cause nothing.. nothing tastes as good as being thin is going to feel.

thats what i realized today. ive lost 1.5lbs in a matter of 3 days. why? cause im determined. im motivated. ive got that grrrr factor back and im not letting it slip away again! ive added new things i can do to exercise even when im sitting in bed.. kinda like im doing now while i type this post. its eleven at night and im exercising even tho i can wait til the morning. why? cause i want this more than anything and i have deadlines and goals to meet. even the littlest movements can help, thats obvious after my last weigh-in. and it will be even more obvious after the next one and the one after that and so on ;D

30lbs by april 1st. pfft, thatll be a piece of proverbial cake ;D lol. for now tho i need sleep, i have a business meeting in the morning with my cousin! sleepydoodle time! positive mental attitude for the win! lol

When you know what you want
and you want it badly enough,
you’ll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn

i feel bad. today was his last day off and i slept thru it. we were on yahoo voice, but i slept. he even wanted to watch a movie and i slept thru that! i love being able to hang with him and nerd out, but i slept thru it today and it makes me a little sad. honestly tho, i think a part of the excess sleeping is that im a little depressed. im still all about the positive mental attitude, ive just been thinking about my brother a lot the past week or so. ive gotten angry out of nowhere and sad.. and i just think its all starting to sink in slowly. so to deal with it, im sleeping more. that stops tomorrow. i am sad about it, but i cant let it dictate my actions. i still have things i need to do and i cant get them done or reach my goals by slacking off even if it happens to be a valid reason.

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

i want to post, but i want to sleep. decisions, decisions. this wont be a long post cause honestly, i might pass out in the middle of it lol. just a quick little diet update.. i have officially lost 28lbs so far or for the brits, 2stone. ;D im quite pleased. my graphic design page is coming along nicely and him and i have decided to branch out into website design as well. weve already begun working on one, plus the one for us.. and i must say, we are fucking good. team nerd ‘86! 2010 is definitely shaping up to be one hell of a year and i have most definitely started off on the right track. i cant wait to see what this year holds for me.. for now tho, sleepydoodles! lol ;p

fifteen days until the folks are out of town again. dont get me wrong, i love my parents. but holy fuck, sometimes they drive me crazy. im pretty sure we are all ready to have a vacation from each other. so im pretty excited. my friend that normally doesnt stay with me is going to come and help me for the week. shes also going to be bringing goodies with her, so yay! lol

i really dont know what to post about tonight. i didnt so all that much today. aside from brainstorming.. which is basically sleeping, lol. however, him and i did put together a great web page for a friend of his. it took pretty much all night, but it was a good learning experience. especially after i broke it at one point and he had to fix it, lol. however, after a new theme and a little handy work between the two of us we were able to get it all sorted! ;D what else did i do.. umm played a little wii, kicked my dads ass in it, of course. watched a movie with the folks and am about to go post on his site i think.. or attempt it or work on the site a little bit more. i havent decided yet, lol. i might even go to bed.. who really knows!

oh! i almost forgot, i totally tied my hair up tonight all by myself! i havent been able to do that in ages. granted, it took me about five minutes and it fell out of the ponytail about ten minutes later, lol. but! the point is i did it all on my own.. im quite proud of that. anyway, now its time to post elsewhere, work on css or sleep, lol.. peace, love and positive mental attitude! ;)

pseudo me. myself, but not the real me. the person i want to be. the person i want people to see. the person i wish i was.wouldnt it be great to be yourself, but not be you at all? pseudo me isnt much different than myself. she can walk, shes outgoing and shes thin. i want to be her. get rid of the original me and take the place of the new and improved me. the pseudo me. i wish it were that easy, like casting a movie. no, i dont like you. youre too fat, next please! no, no not you either. we need someone who can walk. next! ah, yes. finally, ive found the pseudo me. now, transfer brains and we are done. if it only it were that easy. but instead im stuck with the original, the enemy. the one i hate. the one i dont want to be. what is there left to do? transform the original? is it possible? maybe. sure, it wouldnt be as good as i would want it to be, but anything is better than the original me.

so this was a journal entry from quite a few years ago. i dont feel exactly the same, but some parts still ring true. regardless, im transforming the original me and ill be better than i even imagined. ;D for now tho, im so tired, i have to pass out! and like i said, the post was originally from a few years ago, im still all about the positive mental attitude!

its one of the hardest things to do sometimes, but one of the most important things to do to make sure i stay on track. to be honest, ive been doing pretty good so far. ive been wii’ing for at least an hour every day, sometimes a little more. plus, im also doing other exercises while i watch tv or if im working on the computer. i need to prove to myself that i can do this, regardless of how much dieting sucks lol. the sacrifice is most definitely be worth it as will the end result. i will literally be half my size. and ill have done it all on my own. well, mostly.. of course the support and encouragement helps. :)

another thing i think i might do to keep motivated is to put up some pictures that would remind me of what im working for. i have to admit, i got the idea from him, lol. he thought id make fun of him for doing it himself [weve all got goals!], but i actually thought it was a great idea. so, im going to start looking for some things that remind me of england and maybe some clothes i want or clothes id be able to wear once i hit my goal weight. only thing is i dont have anywhere to put them. hes got an office/studio, i have a bedroom. i think i might have to go get a cork-board and make use off it or i can be creative and maybe possibly make my own. ive done it in the past.. im sure i can do it again. who knows tho, lol. reagardless, i think having those visuals up is exactly what i need to keep me on track. polo does a pretty good job as well, if you remember hes one of the little guys he bought for me. i sent him marco and kept polo. they are our mascots and in all honesty, it really does work. hes just that little reminder of what im working towards and i love it.

so tomorrow is all about gathering things for motivation.. and logo making.. and music finding.. and umm idk what else! lol, ill find out tomorrow i suppose :) as for now tho, its time to sleep.. or at least attempt it cause at the moment im not really sleepy, but i know i should at least try. gotta get that schedule/routine sorted out asap!

Obstacles are things a person sees
when he takes his eyes off his goal.
E. Joseph Cossman