today started off pretty fuckin shitty. i wanted to get out of bed, but my phone had no signal. i couldnt call my friend to come help me. no one was home so i couldnt yell down to anyone to come up to help me either. all i could so was sit in bed and hope that someone came home relatively soon. no one did. not until 5:30pm. i didnt even have my computer in bed with me. i wish i could explain the flood of emotions that run through me when things like this happen.
anger is a key one. its not even that im angry at anyone in particular. its more of an anger cause of my situation. im angry at myself, at my body, at my muscles. none of which i can control, mind you.. but it doesnt matter. i feel like a prisoner in my own body. closely following anger is frustration. people get frustrated all the time.. i know i do. im just so sick of living like this. every day it just feels like it gets worse and worse. and it does. today ill be able to do something and tomorrow or three weeks from now, i wont. and it kills me. and i have to put on a happy face for everyone otherwise i have to hear about how there are people worse off than me. you know what? i know there are. im not concerned with them. im dealing with my own stuff.. maybe thats a horrible thing to say.. but its true. im not concerned with other people when im the one stuck in bed cause my phone doesnt work, no ones home and my friend hasnt shown up. im not concerened with others when all i want is a glass of orange juice and oh guess what.. theres no cups i can reach and to top it off.. the oj is unopened.. so even if i could get a glass, i cant pick up or open the fucking container. it sucks when all i want is my shirt pulled down in the back and i have to hear “i just did it, it is down”.. it doesnt matter if she thinks its down.. its my fuckin shirt. i know when im comfortable. i dont wanna hear how its already been done. if something you were wearing isnt comfortable, you fix it, yes? well i cant. so instead of telling me its already been done… just fucking help me!
im so sick of not being able to do things for myself. im tired of following everyone elses schedules. i wanna live my life and do what i want when i want… and i know.. i know.. i never will be able to. its always gonna be on someone elses time.. someone elses schedule. fuckin shoot me now.