a hug. its the only thing i want right now. i just want to physically feel close to someone. i feel like crying. i just want a hug, i want to feel the warmth of someone as they wrap their arms around me and whisper in my ear that everything will be alright.. maybe tell me they love me, give me a kiss on the cheek. i want to cuddle all night and just be held. cry on their shoulder if i need to.i just want what i cant have basically. i do get to hug and cuddle in secondlife with him and its wonderful and i love that we can do that. but i know nothing beats the real thing.. and right now id give anything for a real hug from him. he has a way of making me feel safe even from 3823 miles away, i couldnt imagine how safe a real hug from him would feel. even if i did get a hug.. its not how id like it to be, my arms arent strong enough for me to raise them up to put them around anyone. id love to greet people with a hug.. and i cant, not in the way id like. fuck, im so sick of this fucking chair.
im just having a bad day. i really need to figure out my caregiver situation. im just scared to confront her. i dont have many friends over here. in fact shes really the only one i have here. if we fight or have a falling out, then i will end up being more of a shut in than i am now. but i also know that i cant let things go on the way they have been. i need to be up before mid afternoon. i need to be productive during the day and tho i can do things online.. id like to be able to leave my room if i want. at the same time tho, im scared of losing one of my best friends. im stuck between a rock and a hard place and i dont know what to do about it.
aside from the whole caregiver situation.. im just not feeling happy today. i couldnt even have coffee when i wanted it cause if i drink it too late.. by the time i get into bed, i have to get back out a couple hours later cause the caffeine kicks in. im seriously trying to keep a positive mental attitude, but today is one of those days when its just not working in my favor. i know i shouldnt dwell on the things i cant do and focus on the things i can.. but thats easier said than done. and it still sucks when you see other people doing things you wanna do and you know you cant. sitting on the sidelines sucks. its like i live my life as a benchwarmer, never good enough to play on the team.