i really dont know what my problem is. im not in a good mood, but im not in a bad mood. im in some sort of an emotional limbo. im trying to pull myself out of it by working on my art. which i did today and i finally used my iphone as an ipod. took me long enough, lol. with summer slowly creeping around the corner i think its starting to effect my mood too. like the whole being stuck in bed when all i wanna do is go outside and sit in the sun or go for a walk. instead, im trapped and all i can so is see the sun shining into my room, teasing me with its warmth. its so fucking frustrating..
im not gonna lie, the thought of falling asleep and not waking up has crossed my mind a lot today. a lot. theres too much id miss if that happened. but the thought of being free from physical limitations is so inviting that sometimes i cant help but contemplate the thought of just.. ending it all. im not going to. this is by no means me stating that im going to try anything, its just my thought process on the whole thing. ive been stuck in this chair since i was seven. the thoughts have been with me since.. id say sometime in high school, maybe freshman year.. so since i was about thirteen or fourteen. the thoughts will pass as they always do.. theyre just all rushing at me at once at the moment.
sometimes i feel like i can cry all day and i still would have more left in me. i hit these low points and sometimes its so hard to pull myself out of them because in my head all im doing is throwing negative thoughts at myself. its fucking counter-productive and i know that.. and it goes against one of the things on my to-d list.. but sometimes its just so hard to get out of that mindset. i think maybe i need to go to a support group. but then of course my low self-esteem kicks in and the thought of being in a group and having to talk or having people look at me makes me nervous and not wanna go. ill look into it, but it doesnt necessarily mean im going to end up going. it cant hurt to find out about it tho, maybe give a meeting a go.. they wont know me, i wont know them.. so if i dont go again, no harm no foul, right?
tomorrow ill be up early, thankfully. that also means ill get to have coffee!! which always helps out with feeling better. aside from that, im going to be working more on the piece i started today and maybe work a little more on crocheting.. and then of course nerding out with him at some point. ;D