-precursor- im fuckin high.
hello, my name is elle jay and im officially a blogger. yes, today is my one month.. yay! i never thought id be so into it. but to be honest, whether its just random chatter or actually pouring my heart out.. i love it. i like being able to share my thoughts with whoever feels like reading them, even if its just him reading them.. thats fine with me. even if he didnt, im doing this blog for myself. im just happy he wants to know who i am. its all i wanted from start. it may have taken awhile. mostly cause i didnt feel like i was good enough.
its that exact mindset im trying to shake. honestly, him still being in my life helps more than he will ever know. mainly because i know theres no way i could ever explain it. all i know, is that because of our friendship.. i feel more like myself than i have in a very long time. theres no secrets, no hiding, i can be as lame as i want, i can cry, i can laugh, we can sit there in silence.. no matter what, he accepts me for me. faults and all.
maybe some of you are saying thats what friends are supposed to do. the thing is, however, him and i didnt meet under the same circumstances that most people do. our meeting took place in secondlife and under false pretences. i orginally started the game because i was tried of myself, of my life, of the chair.. of it all. i pretended to be someone i wasnt because in some way, i felt it was the only way people ever got to know me for me. it was the only time they didnt see the chair first and then meet me. the only problem was even then, i felt like i couldnt be myself. at least not show my real self. i didnt like the way i looked, i still dont.
not everything i said was a lie, a lot of things i said were based on things that happened to me. i just had to switch them around so i wasnt the one in the wheelchair. i think part of my problem is that i define myself by by chair. even in high school i was known as “wheelchair elle”. i know some of you are saying how horrible that sounds. its not as bad as you may think. i mean between my close friends it was fine, i know it was said jokingly.. everyone had silly names. thinking about it now tho, im sure it didnt help. that which defines me, doesnt define me.
so we spent more time together, getting to know each other.. falling for each other. there were many, many times that i wanted to tell him the truth. my biggest fear tho, was losing him. i was selfish. i just couldnt let him go tho. even early on, i knew there was something about him, i had to have him in my life. so i kept lying, even tho it hurt me. it hurt knowing that eventually after i would tell him the truth that id have to let him go. he had become such a big part of my life so fast.. he was (and still is) the reasons for thousands of smiles of the past eight and a half months.
i hated lying to him. i know my reasons for doing it were selfish and i shouldnt have done it, but in the end when the truth came out.. as much as it hurt, it had to be done. the feelings that came over me when i told him.. were horrible. i never wanna feel like that again. it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces every second. i thought i had lost the best thing that had happened to me in a long time. the one person i could share anything with was suddenly gone. i felt alone again and that wave of depression was slowly washing over me. it was getting ready to pull me back under and drown me in my own sea of tears.
a day passed and for the first time in a long time, i didnt wake up with him in the morning. it made me cry all over again. i was trying to tell myself that it was my own fault, which it was.. i fucked up. i lied. i hurt him and then i was hurting cause of it. he texted me and i even thru all the tears that simple text from him still made me smile, even if it was just a little one. he wanted to see the real me.. on cam, too. to be honest, if it were anyone else, id probably say no. with him tho, i really wanted to. i knew he deserved the truth above all else and id give it to him in any form he wanted it.
so without hesitation, i got on cam. it didnt last long, mainly cause it kept messing up on my laptop. i did get on it tho. that was a big step for me. the next day i got an email from him, none of which im going to share here because thats just for me.. but all of it, mainly on part flashes in my mind on a daily basis. when i first read it, it made me cry. not tears of sadness, but happy tears. i thought i had lost the best part of my life.. and this email washed all that away. he was still with me. he was still in my life and still cared about me. the days following were filled with all sorts of questions pertaining to things i had said, things about myself and things about the chair.. being in it and different things regarding that whole situation. i answered them all. i felt no form of embarrassment or anything of that nature. i wanted him to know. i wanted to share everything, no matter how personal of a question. i was (am) an open book to him.
i cant explain the feeling of relief i felt. i dont know if i ever will be able to. all i wanted was him to know me for me.. and now he does. ive said this before but the lyrics to iris made and still make me think of him every time.. hes one of my very best friends. and no matter what happens, no matter where life takes us. he will always without a doubt hold a special place in my heart. he has set me out on a journey to find myself. i know that when i get lost or feel like i cant continue, hes there to give me that nudge.. or in my case that swift kick in the ass to get me going again.
i needed a sign. im positive that he is it. hes my angel in disguise. i can be me no matter what.. and as simple as that may sound, it was the most difficult thing in the world for me. so, thank you. thank you for accepting me, regardless of everything that went on. thank you for understanding. thank you for caring enough about me to help me along this road im headed down. thank you for always being there for me when i need you, even if its at five in the morning and ive woken you up. thank you for taking the time to ask the questions you do as you try to find out how i tick. thank you for being my best friend and for loving me. but most importantly, thank you for being you. youre amazing and i mean it when i say that id be lost without you.
-some details were left out.. those only need to be known by him and myself-
just a quick side note..
i really liked my horoscope for today, so here it is.
youll set out to do one thing and wind up in an entirely different pursuit. let the changes happen without complaint or resistance. what seems like a detour was always meant to be your main road.