“come catch me.. im falling.. come, save me.. im crawling.. dont let me fade away..”
i dont know how to deal with all the emotions im feeling. im sad, im upset, im hurt, im frustrated, im angry, im scared.. its a lot to deal with on top of dealing with everything else. so, in order to move forward with a positive mental attitude, i need to get rid of the negative thoughts. the thing is, they arent even negative thoughts. they are technically realistic ones and for the person it is happening to they are in fact positive ones. and i should be happy for him. i want to be happy for him.. and i am, dont get me wrong.. i am happy for him, im just sad for myself and it makes it hard.
im sad because for so long i wanted to be that girl for him. i know i almost have no right to be sad about anything because its all my own doing anyway. i met him and under false pretenses had him believe i was someone i wasnt. granted my attitude and my personality and all the silly little things i said and did are all things i would say and do.. but the image wasnt me. the name wasnt me. the stories were me, but said like they were happening to someone else in some cases. im sad because i was so afraid of rejection that i allowed myself to hurt someone that has become such a huge part of my life. i know us still talking and being best friends was a one in a million opportunity. and i know that he cares about me and loves me just like i care about him and love him. its difficult tho because being in this chair is such a physical prison that i do sometimes feel like i live in my own little fantasy world in my head sometimes. you know, where i can walk and run and do everything weve ever talked about.. live it out in little day dreams and such.
im upset because i cant be that girl for him. its upsetting to want to be able to do so much and in reality not be able to do any of those things. im upset because hes found someone that could potentially, if not already, be his girlfriend. i let my mind wander and all it does it put me in a horrible mood. my mind has been running a million miles an hour since i found out about them and i dont want it to. all i can think about is whats going on.. are they kissing? is he holding her? are they cuddling? did they have sex? is he falling for her? is she falling for him? does he smile at her the way he used to smile when he thought about us? does he call her miss muffet? does he call her baby? do our inside jokes get shared and then make them not our inside jokes anymore?…the list goes on. i know i shouldnt be concerned with it, but i am and i dont know how to not be.
im hurt because i know i hurt him in the past. yes, he is still around and believe you me.. i thank my lucky stars every day for him. but it doesnt negate the fact that at one time, i did hurt him. now im hurting, thru no fault of his own, because of this new situation. im getting myself worked up about something i cant change. its dragging me down. i hate crying over it, but its all ive been doing. you know, i actually looked on the label of tylenol to see if heartache was a symptom it helps relieve. it doesnt. my heart hurts.. because in my head i had that faint glimmer of hope that ‘hey, maybe we will eventually be together’.. and now, i know its not true. i always knew it, but to hear it puts it in a whole new light.
im frustrated with myself, with this diet, with my life. im frustrated with my own intentions. when i first decided about going on this diet.. i said i was ready for it and i was doing it for me.. and i was. but, i had another reason and i didnt even tell him this.. the other reason was cause of him. cause i thought.. if i could lose weight and look pretty, that maybe id have a chance. its not a lame thought. im sure people have those thoughts all the time.. but it was one i shouldnt have had because i shouldnt be changing myself for anyone but me. i do wanna lose the weight and i do wanna look better.. but its not for him, its for me and only me. dont get me wrong, if he likes what i look like when im all done, of course id be happy.. who wouldnt be happy that a hot guy thinks you look good? but this diet. this weight loss. its all for me. and i am proud of how well im doing so far with it.. extremely proud actually.
im angry because (yes, you guessed it) i cant be that girl for him. even when i lose all the weight i wanna lose. i cant ever be that girl. i will never physically be able to do the things i long to do. id give anything to be able to go dancing, shoot some pool without getting tired after a couple games, go for a run, a walk.. im so angry that im in this chair that it makes me think horrible thoughts. sometimes i wish it would all be over so i could just be free of this fucking chair.. but theres so much id miss, that i know i cant and wouldnt do anything stupid enough to end it.
im scared… that ill fade away. that they will be moving forward together.. and ill be left behind, by myself and lose the one person in the world that knows absolutely everything about me, knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh.. he just knows me like no one else. and im so terrified of losing him. i want to get over all these fears and negative emotions because im also afraid that they might eventually cause an issue. and i dont want that in the least. i wanna always be his best friend and him to always be mine.. regardless of whatever relationship he may be in now or in the future.
i am happy for him.. fuck, im even happy for her. hes probably the greatest guy any girl could have. i just hope she knows that. he really is one in a million.. and to be honest i could probably write about him for days and it would do no justice to the man he is. i just dont wanna see him get hurt again because ive already done that to him and he doesnt deserve to have it happen again. i will seriously punch her in the face if she hurts him tho.. ;p
i know i said im all these things because i couldnt be that girl for him.. but i also couldnt be that girl for me.. and i think thats what really hits me hard, too. i know what i wanna be able to do and what i wanna look like.. and i know ill never be able to and it hurts me in a way that i cant even begin to describe. i have to give up those thoughts. they do nothing but hurt what im actually working for. a new me.. a lighter, healthier, happier, more confident me. and in doing that and making these positive changes for myself.. maybe then ill find love.. and if not him and i will still be best of friends, but to the neighborhood ill be known as the crazy cat lady.
i know youre reading this.. all i ask of you is to not let me fade away, please. youre my best friend and without you i would be completely lost and everything would crumble down around me. im sorry im such a baby about this whole situation.. but i honestly think.. im ok.. i may have my moments.. im almost sure of it, but please dont hold it against me.. im not trying to be upset about it, but its bound to happen. i promise tho that when those moments happen, they will also pass and well go back to laughing and being our normal nerdy selves..
i love you and im thankful every day that youre a part of my world and im honored that i get to call you my bestfriend and that im yours. xx