elle jay*

its muggy out, overcast. im expecting it to start raining, to be honest. theres a constant sound of cars and trucks passing by only to be broken up by an inevitable car horn because someone blew the stop sign again, like a cheap $2 hooker. occasionally, you get to hear the high pitched engine of some crotch rocket or an annoyingly loud harley both just as obnoxious as the next. just as the traffic dies down and you think with a sigh of content “finally”.. THEN AN AIRPLANE FLIES OVERHEAD AND RUINS WHAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE A MOMENT OF SILENCE and what almost always follows that without fail is the low rumble of the train in the distance and its horn. the trains horn and the cars meld into each other and its back to the cars passing.. on repeat like your favorite song. its the soundtrack to my summer.

im sitting here listening to the sounds outside my open windows while on voice with him in second life, neither one of us saying much. just the clicking of his keyboard is all i hear and our short conversations every so often. the keyboard noises are quite lulling tho, lol. hes horrible at multitasking. its ok, its normal. i know how it goes. we’re supposed to be working on websites and getting on the case with blogs for our respective sites, we’re not. if we are, its just here and there, not like we should be doing. it happens tho. he gets sidetracked with facebook and i get sidetracked with everything except what i should be working on. ;p

although, if you think about it.. technically i am working on myself and thats what i should ultimately be doing. i mean, i did start this blog to help myself find me.. and i feel like tho i have shared stuff in prior posts, i didnt feel like i was really just letting myself say some of the things that were on my mind or possibly that i was just grazing the top about how i really felt about any given situation. so, ive decided from now on im not holding back, regardless of who does or doesnt read my blog posts. i need to be honest with myself before i can really change the way i feel about me for good.

i think this all came about because at the moment im feeling kind of down. not depressed, but i know this road. its the long way round to that area of town and i dont wanna go there. i feel like im friendless. let me take that back because thats not entirely true. i have one person and i know hes there for me, but i also know he has his own stuff going on. im feeling like i have no one around here on this side of the pond that i can really call a friend. i try to call and make plans, but no luck. im never included in much. when i am and i can go, the person who is supposed to be one of my best friends bails on me and changes her mind about going. in turn, that makes me lose my ride and its too late at night for my ma to drive me. so, then im stuck at home. again.

it gets to me. i feel like a fucking outcast and it hurts. i really try to hide how im feeling sometimes because im just so sick of them. i think maybe, if i pretend long enough that its all ok.. then maybe it will be. but its not. im fat cause when i was younger i felt the same way, but food was always there even if friends werent. so, i ate. i started this nutrisystem diet because i dont wanna be that person anymore. ive been doing really well on it and im continuing too, but i did hit a snag. i did gain a couple pounds cause i had some cheats. yes, i know i shouldnt of, hush. ive already lost it again, so its fine. the reason i believe those days occurred is because of this low mood im in. no more tho! i refuse to fall back into old habits.

..i feel like im rambling at the moment. so im going, but i know where im picking up from later tonight.