him and i were talking last night, sometimes i forget how well he knows me and knows when something is wrong. he of course asked and after replying with “nothing” a few times i finally told him i was sad and that i feel like a failure. im going to be twenty-seven in less than two weeks and i have nothing to really show for myself. he asked what i wanted, my reply.. “friends would be nice”.
its true, friends would be nice. so would not being in a chair, not being the odd one out, not being the shy one with no confidence, not being the fat one, not being the ugly one, not being the one who is gonna end up alone.. all those things would be nice. not being alone for the rest of my life would be better. i have this feeling that i might be tho and it scares me.
when i was a kid all i ever dreamed about and wanted was to grow up, fall in love and have a family. i know the family bit is out the window for the most part, but it would still be nice to grow old with someone. my ma always says that i dont need a man to be happy and im not saying i do.. but i do know im happier when i have someone. someone i can share everything with regardless of how im feeling. i know i can share things with him, but being friends with someone is a little different than being involved with someone. the intimate side dissipates, along with the flirting. dont get me wrong, i love our friendship. it means the world to me. but i cant help that i miss the other side to it.. regardless of knowing where we stand.
i just want that hollywood movie ending where everything works out exactly as it should and everyone is happy. i know that it most likely wont and ill stay right where i am while everyone else moves on and makes something of themselves, finding the love of their life and getting married in the process. im trying to do something with my life, i just feel that a lot of the time.. i just dont know where to start. thats why i like the website we are working on. that is the start and now i need to get my ass in gear and finish the products and i need to get my graphic design page up..
maybe when i get down to my goal weight my confidence level with sky rocket. thats the hope anyway. and maybe once that happens ill find someone that wants to be with me. i know im an amazing person. im funny, caring, smart [even tho i dont always think i am] and i know i have a lot of love to give. i just want someone to share it with. im tired of all these movies and shows with these happy couples, but i dont want to become bitter and start saying things like “theres no such thing as happy endings” or “true love is a fairy tale”.. it would go against everything i believed as a kid.
i just dont wanna grow old by myself.. and cats wont suffice. i need to make a pact with someone.. like “if we are not married by the time we are 40, we will marry each other”.. any takers? my guess is no. cant blame a girl for trying tho. im done rambling for now.
Action may not always bring happiness,
but there is no happiness without action.
Benjamin Disraeli