im sitting here listening to the sounds outside my open windows while on voice with him in second life, neither one of us saying much. just the clicking of his keyboard is all i hear and our short conversations every so often. the keyboard noises are quite lulling tho, lol. hes horrible at multitasking. its ok, its normal. i know how it goes. we’re supposed to be working on websites and getting on the case with blogs for our respective sites, we’re not. if we are, its just here and there, not like we should be doing. it happens tho. he gets sidetracked with facebook and i get sidetracked with everything except what i should be working on. ;p

although, if you think about it.. technically i am working on myself and thats what i should ultimately be doing. i mean, i did start this blog to help myself find me.. and i feel like tho i have shared stuff in prior posts, i didnt feel like i was really just letting myself say some of the things that were on my mind or possibly that i was just grazing the top about how i really felt about any given situation. so, ive decided from now on im not holding back, regardless of who does or doesnt read my blog posts. i need to be honest with myself before i can really change the way i feel about me for good.

i think this all came about because at the moment im feeling kind of down. not depressed, but i know this road. its the long way round to that area of town and i dont wanna go there. i feel like im friendless. let me take that back because thats not entirely true. i have one person and i know hes there for me, but i also know he has his own stuff going on. im feeling like i have no one around here on this side of the pond that i can really call a friend. i try to call and make plans, but no luck. im never included in much. when i am and i can go, the person who is supposed to be one of my best friends bails on me and changes her mind about going. in turn, that makes me lose my ride and its too late at night for my ma to drive me. so, then im stuck at home. again.

it gets to me. i feel like a fucking outcast and it hurts. i really try to hide how im feeling sometimes because im just so sick of them. i think maybe, if i pretend long enough that its all ok.. then maybe it will be. but its not. im fat cause when i was younger i felt the same way, but food was always there even if friends werent. so, i ate. i started this nutrisystem diet because i dont wanna be that person anymore. ive been doing really well on it and im continuing too, but i did hit a snag. i did gain a couple pounds cause i had some cheats. yes, i know i shouldnt of, hush. ive already lost it again, so its fine. the reason i believe those days occurred is because of this low mood im in. no more tho! i refuse to fall back into old habits.

..i feel like im rambling at the moment. so im going, but i know where im picking up from later tonight.

i also had something happen to me which usually happens every so often and all it ever does is infuriate me and frustrate me like no other. im going to try to explain it the best i can, so bear with me.. when i woke up this morning and was laying there, i had this feeling in my body.. in my muscles like they wanna work, but i cant do anything about it. ill get these muscle twitches and get so antsy its like all i wanna so is hop up and pace around, but all i can do is lay there frustrated. it added on to my mood this morning.

dont get me wrong, i am throughly looking forward to where my life is going. its just some days i realize that im still working toward my goal and the uphill battle is just too much to handle. so, i breakdown for a day or two. ill be fine tho, i know my goals and i am still determined to reach them. more than determined.. and im too excited about england, seeing him and my new ink to not work hard to reach that finish line. but everyone has their moments.. today was mine.

i need to sleep now tho. ive only been up for 6 hours and im already ready for bed again. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. positive mental attitude, its what im going to try to go to bed and wake up with. i have too much shit i need to get done to let myself get dragged down.

anger is a key one. its not even that im angry at anyone in particular. its more of an anger cause of my situation. im angry at myself, at my body, at my muscles. none of which i can control, mind you.. but it doesnt matter. i feel like a prisoner in my own body. closely following anger is frustration. people get frustrated all the time.. i know i do. im just so sick of living like this. every day it just feels like it gets worse and worse. and it does. today ill be able to do something and tomorrow or three weeks from now, i wont. and it kills me. and i have to put on a happy face for everyone otherwise i have to hear about how there are people worse off than me. you know what? i know there are. im not concerned with them. im dealing with my own stuff.. maybe thats a horrible thing to say.. but its true. im not concerned with other people when im the one stuck in bed cause my phone doesnt work, no ones home and my friend hasnt shown up. im not concerened with others when all i want is a glass of orange juice and oh guess what.. theres no cups i can reach and to top it off.. the oj is unopened.. so even if i could get a glass, i cant pick up or open the fucking container. it sucks when all i want is my shirt pulled down in the back and i have to hear “i just did it, it is down”.. it doesnt matter if she thinks its down.. its my fuckin shirt. i know when im comfortable. i dont wanna hear how its already been done. if something you were wearing isnt comfortable, you fix it, yes? well i cant. so instead of telling me its already been done… just fucking help me!

im so sick of not being able to do things for myself. im tired of following everyone elses schedules. i wanna live my life and do what i want when i want… and i know.. i know.. i never will be able to. its always gonna be on someone elses time.. someone elses schedule. fuckin shoot me now.