elle jay* » angry

instead i sleep.

elle — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:47:38 +0000

i feel bad. today was his last day off and i slept thru it. we were on yahoo voice, but i slept. he even wanted to watch a movie and i slept thru that! i love being able to hang with him and nerd out, but i slept thru it today and it makes me a little sad. honestly tho, i think a part of the excess sleeping is that im a little depressed. im still all about the positive mental attitude, ive just been thinking about my brother a lot the past week or so. ive gotten angry out of nowhere and sad.. and i just think its all starting to sink in slowly. so to deal with it, im sleeping more. that stops tomorrow. i am sad about it, but i cant let it dictate my actions. i still have things i need to do and i cant get them done or reach my goals by slacking off even if it happens to be a valid reason.

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

its been awhile.

elle — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 03:09:39 +0000

a little over a month to be exact. sorry for the delay in posts, but this time there is a legitimate reason. unfortunately, its a reason i wish i didnt have. two days after my last post my family received some bad news. it was 2am and i couldnt sleep, neither could he. so we were hanging out online together. the phone rang. without thinking i said, “its either my brother or something happened.” i couldnt quite make out the conversation being held. the only words i heard were ‘investigation’ and ‘in his sleep’. i already knew, but didnt want to jump to any conclusions. then i heard it.. my ma crying. everyone has heard their mother cry at some point or another.. not like this tho. unless youve been in a similiar situation. her cry was so.. raw. it hit me in a way ive never experienced before and it broke my heart to hear it.

i still didnt know for sure what was going on.. so i called into into the other room. finally, she came into my bedroom and told me that my brother had passed away in his sleep. i went numb. i had emailed him less than a week prior about christmas eve. telling him to stop being a douche towards ma, that she just worries about him and whether or not he likes it, its her job. i told him he should consider coming to the house christmas eve and spend it with the family like we used to do not go downtown with friends.. that his family needs to see him, that we miss him. he never replied back.

from the 30th on is slightly blurry. there was a lot of family over every day without fail. lots of food being delivered and the phone ringing off the hook. random family friends coming by.. it was like grand central station. it still feels surreal. i know i didnt know him all that well considering he didnt live near us and we hardly spoke, reagardless he was my brother. i miss him and ive cried over it more times than i can count. i dont know what to say about it at the moment, but im sure as it sinks in more and more ill post about it. for now, im just going to try and move forward.

Death, the one appointment we all must
keep, and for which no time is set.
Charlie Chan

it finally happened

elle — Sat, 23 May 2009 04:31:24 +0000

we got into it today. she was supposed to come help me early today so we could go out and do some stuff and she didnt get up until 4:15pm. i was beyond pissed. i wish i could have recorded the conversation. some stuff she said was just unbelievable. like when she said “you dont pay me”.. yes, yes i do. last i checked that was my signature on the bottom of her time sheet. and she has the audacity to say its not about the money! if its not about the money then why is it at the end of the pay period shes right there askin for my signature so she can get her check?? if its not about the money, why fill out a time sheet to begin with?! ugh! there was so much more involved in the argument, but i wouldnt even know where to begin to explain it.

im so frustrated. i actually ended up hanging up on her. she called me after class, but i didnt answer and she didnt leave me a voice mail. and i know im not in the wrong.. so until she apologizes were offically fighting. im also going to be posting an ad tomorrow on craigslist for my new caregiver. the way she handles helping me or lack thereof isnt fair to me. im relying on her and she doesnt come thru. ive had enough.

anyway, moving on. aside from all that.. ive had a pretty good night. my ma helped me up and helped me shower. by the time i was done he was home and we got to chat for a bit before he headed to bed, which is always nice. to be honest, and its only happened a few times cause he was away.. but when we dont talk i feel like my day isnt complete. lol, like something is off. after that, i ended up going to listen to my friends dj set in secondlife and then afterwards did a set of my own. i had fun, i always do when i dj.

tomorrow ill be up early and im gonna sit outside and read for a bit before i come in and do some more art. after that, im not sure.. probably work on some shirts for my shop in secondlife and also some designs for my stationery. ;D