thats why it gets me so upset when i ask my ma to help me with something and i have to hear about it. like if i ask for her to fix my blankets a certain way.. to her its me being ocd. to me its me trying to get things situated so that if i get cold during the night i can easily pull my blankets up. one of the biggest thing she questions is when im getting into bed, there are certain steps in my routine and they go in that order so im comfortable during the night and dont need to bother her for anything. yes, sometimes i change the steps, thats my prerogative tho. its my routine, im allowed to. when shes helping me, shes my attendant. i shouldnt have to explain why one thing is happening before another. if i switch it up its for a valid reason and thats that. the minute i change something tho she has to start with the questions or if she switched up the routine she thinks thats ok. its not and im not ocd.

ok, im a little ocd. nothing like she claims i am tho. i just wish she could understand what i have to go thru and why things need to be done in certain ways. i know shell never get it tho and i dont know how else to explain it to her. ive tried telling her, she doesnt get it. :/

Frustration, although quite painful at times,
is a very positive and essential part of success.
Bo Bennett

i asked him about it and immediately he starts yelling. its bullshit. im on a fucking diet, i get to have certain things whereas he gets to have anyfuckingthing he wants. like tonight for dinner he got to have a delicious gyros with fries and a milkshake. i got mac ‘n’ cheese that tasted like crap. i thought at least i have something good to drink to look forward to, i was wrong.

HE DOESNT EVEN DRINK DIET POP! thats the part that kills me! he normally bitches if there isnt root beer. there are like fourteen bottles of it. he takes mine tho and then doesnt see what the problem is. if i would have done that to him it would he been the end of the world. because god forbid anyone takes something he wants. its like he reverts back to being a toddler. ugh, anyway.. its over and done with.. i just needed to vent!

im so tired right now, so its off to bed for me! lots of work to do tomorrow, yay!!

i fucking hate the mall with a passion. the only thing thats changed in all the years that mall has been open is a new floor plan. not even that tho, just tacking more shops on and filling voids of places that have left a long time ago. it seems the more shops they put in the more douche bags there are, especially since the addition of pac sun, a&f and other shops that i honestly cant remember the names of. you know the type that shops there tho, the fake ‘n bake, spiky hair, big chain wearing, dc hat tipped to the side, never leaves home with out his sunglasses douche bag.. and of course they have their little princess of a girlfriend in tow.. along with her fake ‘n bake tan and a purse so big she could probably fit into it herself.and god forbid you pass them and they have to move over to let you thru.. even tho the way they are walking takes up the whole aisle all the way across. the looks are just priceless.. its the whole “you have to be kidding me look”.. like ive asked them to do something so fucking difficult.

anyway! so the reason i was at the mall was cause my ma wanted to get a family plan for all our phones. we stood in line for 2 hours, plus some. there was only two people working behind the counter and about seven people in line. that isnt including the two people who were already being taken care of. one of which was definitely speaking polish and the guy behind the counter and her were very animated thru out their conversation. the other person was finally done and we moved up a spot and stood there for an ungodly amount of time. in the first hour we were there two customers were taken care of by one guy while the other still yammered away. then the lady infront of us goes.. twenty more minutes and we havent moved and the other guy is STILL with the same lady. every time i thought “oh hes almost done now cause hes printing the paper work”.. he would print more!

so after an hour and a half it was our turn. the guy that only had the only client was going to be helping us. he was asking the manager for a break when we took out spot at the counter. thankfully the manager said no. im pretty sure my ma would have caused a scene at that point. so after forty-five more minutes of us being there while we switch the plans and make all the necessary adjustments.. im thinking its time to go. i was wrong. now the guy wants to show my ma every point of the phone. i could do this at home. she could read the manual. he doesnt need to go over the fine details of where the settings key is or how to check contacts.. but he does anyway and my ma lets him.

i was so annoyed at this point all i wanted to do was leave. in the process of this guy helping my ma a guy got in line behind us. a good looking guy, i might add. we made eye contact and he made a comment about the borat sticker on the back of my chair. i was bored and feeling a bit confident, so i struck up a conversation with him. i mean, he started with the sticker, but i continued it. its not something i do.. ever. but he had a gorgeous smile and beautiful blue eyes.. so ir gave me  a reason to at least keep looking at him, lol. we chatted for about fifteen minutes and he kept smiling every time we made eye contact.. i have to admit, it felt good. if i was more confident i might have asked for a phone number.. baby steps tho, lol.

after the at&t shop we went over to torrid to look at a dress i wanted to get for a wedding im going to in october. they didnt have it anymore, so im kinda bummed. target followed that cause my ma wanted to get some groceries there since she had coupons. i took the opportunity to pick up a family size box of froot loops for him that ill be sending out on thursday. seriously, this box is HUGE. i sent him a picture of the two sizes while i was there and.. lets just say his response made me giggle. hes definitely a funny one.. amongst other things. ;p im sad that the prize on the side of the box isnt in the box tho, you have to mail it in. itd be right up his alley, geeky and useful.. a star trek flash drive. the offter is good until like.. june of 2010 tho, so maybe if i get seven more boxes out to him he can send in the tokens to get it, lmao.

alright, im off to bed yet again.. no idea what im doing when i wake up aside from IMing him.. the rest of the day is a play it by ear kind of day. tho, im sure ill be working on something for the website or blog and maybe crocheting, who knows?! ;D

im so frustrated. i actually ended up hanging up on her. she called me after class, but i didnt answer and she didnt leave me a voice mail. and i know im not in the wrong.. so until she apologizes were offically fighting. im also going to be posting an ad tomorrow on craigslist for my new caregiver. the way she handles helping me or lack thereof isnt fair to me. im relying on her and she doesnt come thru. ive had enough.

anyway, moving on. aside from all that.. ive had a pretty good night. my ma helped me up and helped me shower. by the time i was done he was home and we got to chat for a bit before he headed to bed, which is always nice. to be honest, and its only happened a few times cause he was away.. but when we dont talk i feel like my day isnt complete. lol, like something is off. after that, i ended up going to listen to my friends dj set in secondlife and then afterwards did a set of my own. i had fun, i always do when i dj.

tomorrow ill be up early and im gonna sit outside and read for a bit before i come in and do some more art. after that, im not sure.. probably work on some shirts for my shop in secondlife and also some designs for my stationery. ;D

we only had to wait fifteen minutes before being called in. im pretty sure thats the shortest amount of time we have ever waited and then we were in there for longer than we have ever been before. two hours! they asked all kinds of questions regarding the chair and the things i can do for myself and what i need help with. after that i got all measured and picked out the chair and color i wanted than it was off to get myself and the chair weighed. something i normally hate doing. however, with my diet just around the corner (waiting on the food to arrive).. it was nice to have a starting weight to go by.

i gotta say, tho im not pleased with my weight.. obviously.. its a lot less than i originally thought. sitting down all the time is an optical illusion. apparently i weigh less than my friend but because i am sitting all the time i never would have guessed that. that in turns means my goal weight will be reached sooner than i thought, hopefully. one day at a time tho. im confident this will work, but im not gonna rush it or get frustrated if it doesnt look like im losing it. itll happen.

aside from all that, i didnt do much today. all that took up most of it. when i got home, i took a nap. i was so tired i couldnt keep my eyes open. by the time i woke up he had gotten home so we chatted til he went to bed and then i ended up downstairs cause my room was just too hot to hang out in at the time. i bullshitted with my ma for a bit and watched a couple shows with her. we havent done that in a while.

my friend called me earlier in the evening, i asked her about the herbal refreshments. she told me she would call the guy after class. instead, she called me and said “hey can we make this quick tonight cause..” and then proceeded to give her reasons. none of which were of any importance. i have to admit, i was annoyed. shes gonna call me and ask if we can make it quick tonight cause she has plans.. but when i need her here in the morning  cause i have plans or to give me a shower or whatever the case she cant do it. yet, i hurried up for her. i have no idea why.

i actually had a whole speech prepared. i was gonna ask her if she could come and give me a shower tomorrow and if she said no, thats when i was gonna lay it on her. but when i asked, she said yes. she even said it would be early and then we would go talk to the guy about that stuff. now, if it doesnt happen and she doesnt come over.. not only am i going to be incredibly pissed, but i will also tell her what i was going to say last night. if it fucks up our friendship, then i guess it wasnt as strong as i thought it was and at least i still have him. maybe she needs the kick in the ass tho. who knows?

so tomorrow; shower, bank, herbal refreshments, maybe one last lunch out together, a little art and some reading.

im a little pissed off with my ma. im twenty-six and i dont need her to tell me who i need to send cards to for different occasions. ill send them to who i want. or not at all if i feel like it. i already planned on sending them to my grandma, nana and my godmother. i actually already have them made out and ready to go, but now that shes said that.. it just annoys me. like i need to be told. last i checked she doesnt tell my brother what to do, yet she feels the need to tell me. i feel like she doesnt let me make my own mistakes or my own decisions for the most part. it really gets to me. ugh.

i think i just need to go read or maybe sketch. and hope that i hear from him before i go to bed, but i have a feeling hes already asleep. maybe i sound lame, but hes such a major part of my day, that when we dont talk i feel like my day isnt complete. im gonna go read, maybe ill feel like typing more later.