for starters, the diet. its going great. ive lost 34.8lbs, thats 2.48 stone. still a long way to go, but i am getting there. my exercise routine has expanded itself throughout my entire day now. im not even going to try to being the stuff ive got myself doing, but its working! i will admit that one of them is when i turn up some music fairly loud and move around in my chair as much as i can while i dance to it. its the one exercise id be embarrassed to be caught doing.. by anyone, lol.  my song of choice was pretty much given to me as my theme song by my nerdface. he definitely hit the nail on the head with it too. its called “on a mission” by gabriella cilmi.

its time to really get my ass in gear tho because england is just around the corner! just a little over three months and i plan on being there. reservations are in the making as are all the other little details i need to go thru before heading across the pond. i never really got that saying, across the pond. lets call it like it is shall we? a fuckin’ ocean. a very big, very cold ocean. that under normal circumstances i would be terrified of flying over for two reasons; 1. its a fucking ocean and 2. its flying.. over a fuckin ocean. ok, so maybe i still am a little nervous. however! its nothing like i thought it would be. check back in about three months and we will see if i have the same answer, lol. anyway, im getting all the little details sorted out and progress is moving along. ive done my research and now its time to act and make our plans a reality.

im still planning on getting some new ink before i head out there and then have it completed when im there. hopefully, ill be doing that soon. i need to draw up a design for a friend of mine looking for a gemini tattoo idea. once thats done we can head over to the place that my brother used to get his ink done at. im actually looking forward to that a lot. i think itll definitely be a therapeutic experience and probably something i need for a little closure with the whole thing. i think its a big reason theres some tension going on with my folks and myself lately. were dealing with it the best we can, but i think weve hit the ceiling on the situation. well figure it out tho because i know that no matter what they love me and i love them. i think we all just lose sight of that sometimes.

a big part of the negativity was lack of progess, ideas, creativity, projects.. im fixing that too. ive finally gotten my website up for my graphic design business. im going to also be making stationery/notecards. and i have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well. but there they shall remain for the time being. i just know i need to get back into my art big time and check on some dates for this summers array of street festivals. ;D adding that to my to-do list right now as a matter of fact!

alright, time for me to get back on the case! or maybe take a nap.. no, no nap. resistance will not win!! ;p

It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks
down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles.
Claude M. Bristol

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

him and i were chatting, listening to music [gnr to be exact, reliving our youth, lol].. the usual. he asked me to work on a page for a friend of his, so i started messing around in photoshop. i needed to come up with a background for the site and i remembered that one of the filters is a random pattern maker. i didnt know what to start out with for it so i just typed the guys name across the screen and opened the filter. ive never actually used it before so i just selected the name and clicked the “generate” button. i must have clicked it about a bajillion times cause none of the patterns were really working for the intended background purposes. ive been randomly thinking about my brother today and at that point i had a thought. i dont remember how it was worded but it was along the lines of “i hope hes alright..” immediately after i said that i clicked the generate button again and this is what i saw..

im ok. i got chills from head to toe. i truly believe my brother sent this to us to let us know everything is alright now. maybe it was pure coincidence.. but i believe with all my heart that it wasnt, my brother worked with computers. its only fitting that thats how he would choose to communicate with us. it still gives me chills when i look at the pic..

anyway, im off. i have graphics to do and blurbs to think about! and then its time for sleep, lol, its been a long day and im sick.. gotta get better ;D

You can kill the body, but not the spirit.
Robert Louis Stevenson

i still didnt know for sure what was going on.. so i called into into the other room. finally, she came into my bedroom and told me that my brother had passed away in his sleep. i went numb. i had emailed him less than a week prior about christmas eve. telling him to stop being a douche towards ma, that she just worries about him and whether or not he likes it, its her job. i told him he should consider coming to the house christmas eve and spend it with the family like we used to do not go downtown with friends.. that his family needs to see him, that we miss him. he never replied back.

from the 30th on is slightly blurry. there was a lot of family over every day without fail. lots of food being delivered and the phone ringing off the hook. random family friends coming by.. it was like grand central station. it still feels surreal. i know i didnt know him all that well considering he didnt live near us and we hardly spoke, reagardless he was my brother. i miss him and ive cried over it more times than i can count. i dont know what to say about it at the moment, but im sure as it sinks in more and more ill post about it. for now, im just going to try and move forward.

Death, the one appointment we all must
keep, and for which no time is set.
Charlie Chan

i dont know whats going on with my brother and that whole situation. last i heard he was going back overseas. i dont think he should, i honestly think my ma should call whoever his boss is and just be like ‘hey, hes unstable and shouldnt be going back’.. but im sure that would just cause a huge outburst from him. im even tempted to do it myself. i just have a horrible feeling if he does go back over that we wont see him again. i have a huge fear that whatever hes on will just get worse and he may reach a point of no return and he will be no where near home. i really hope im wrong about that, but who really knows.

aside from family issues, him and i are still working on our site/blog. its a pain in the ass trying to find a drop shipper, but i am determined to find one.. or hopefully he will be able to. eitherway, itll get done. we both need it to work. hes needs an out to drop his current job and i just need a job lol.. so it would be great if we could seriously get this business on its feet. itll happen, i have faith.. just wish it would happen sooner, lol.

im about to pass out and i need to be up in a few for a wake up call.. tomorrow will be a better post, promise.

yea, he has had his extreme moments.. hes covered in tattoos, he has had more cars since he turn sixteen than i can count on two hands, he makes elaborate plans to do things that he never follows thru with.. but now.. to be caught up in pills and who knows what else. it scares me. addiction does run in my family. my dad drank for years. my parents marriage was on the rocks for a long time because of it and they almost ended up divorced. he straightened up tho and has been sober for twenty years now.. maybe more. i just hope my brother is strong enough to break the cycle he created for himself. and i hope to god or whatever is out there that it isnt anything more than pills.

i also dont want to see my ma hurting. i know shes more upset than shes showing. and even tho we have been arguing a little bit here and there.. regardless of whats going on with her and i, even if its something major. i never wanna see someone in my family, especially my ma, hurting like she is.

im off for now to go try and relax with my thoughts… but tomorrows another day!

i didnt do all that much today. however, im pretty sure my brother and i had a break thru. he actually told  me he loved me. hes never done that without being prompted by our parents. he called today tho and i happened to be by the phone so i answered it. i never answer the house phone, but for whatever reason i did. i didnt even recognize his voice. we talked for a good 5-10 minutes and he even told me that him and his fiance are buying a one story house in vegas.. so if i wanted i could visit cause i can get into their house. that alone is something id never thought he say, but then when he hung up he said “bye, love you”.. i was floored. im actually really excited cause i think him and i could get along great if we actually gave it a real try. so, ive decided that after i reach my goal weight and i go on my trip to england, my next trip is gonna be vegas! ;D yay!

anyway! my brother came into town for today. we havent seen him in over a year. him and i dont get along very well, but a couple moths or so ago i sent him and email. i decided it was time we acted like adults and said that we should be able to get along with one another. something clicked i suppose, when he came into the house today after greeting my ma.. he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. that has never happened before. ever.

however, he was still a dick to my ma. she gets so excited before he comes into town and then the whole time he has an attitude with her. i know she asks a lot of questions, but its only cause she doesnt talk to him that often and shes trying to find out whats going on with him. i wanna say something to him, but i honestly dont think it will help. its just how he has always been with her. maybe ill send him another email tho and tell him how much it sucks to see her reaction to the way he treats her.

the four of us ended up going out to dinner tonight and i think i did a pretty good job with what i ordered. i even skipped dessert. i wanted it tho, but i knew i didnt need it. and to be honest, it felt kinda good to be able to say, “no thanks”. ive been drinking more water and taking my b12 vitamins in the morning, too. and i had coffee today, which always puts me in a great mood. even with being up since 5:30am, lol. i blame him for that. ;p it was fun tho, i like our morning chats.. well i like any of our chats really. but its a great way to start the day! and end it too lol. i was a chatty cathy today tho, i can get that way and usually when i do it puts me in a silly mood. which, if you ever heard any of our conversations, youd know exactly what im talking about, lol.

during our chats today tho, i was telling him about an mda summer camp i used to go to. once i get started on it, its like i cant stop. he can vouch for that. in talking about it tho, he threw out a great suggestion about networking and trying to set some kind of reunion up once the weather gets nicer. so ill be adding that to my to-do list!

its about that time.. i need some sleep before i pass out on my keyboard. tomorrow is more crocheting, yes im still working on that.. and im going to work more on the art project i started and im going to start looking people up for that camp thing. i love nerding out, lol. its more fun with him, but theres plenty of time for that when he gets off work, yay! ..omg im still rambling, its so my bedtime!