tomorrow im starting with the clean out process. im getting rid of so much shit. my ma is going to help me. ive already told her i dont want to hear her say “oh, youre getting rid of that?!” ..cause it always makes me second guess myself and i end up keeping it. not this time tho. i told her i dont even wanna hear it once. i think she got the point. so, im excited to start this. i have so much to get rid of. im giving some of my VHS movies to my nana and then ill sell the rest on craigslist. im also using my old computer that i was gonna sell.. but i bought another gig for it before it broke and i dont use it for anything else.. so im going to attempt to put all my music.. or as much of it thatll fit, onto that computer and then i can sell my cds.. cause honestly, im also getting rid of my stereo. i never ever use it. all i use is my iphone and my laptop. omg! i just realized something! i dont have to get rid of them.. but after i put them all on my computer i can keep the cds in the new van cause it has a cd player! ;D perfect!

im also going to go on craigslist and look for furniture there before going out and buying anything. people will trade on there or they just want it out.. plus, if i dont like it, i can always paint it myself which would be much cheaper. and idont mean like furniture.. i meant like storage things for like my dvds. and i need better art storage and book storage. come to think of it, we might have something in the basement i can use since i rearranged my room.. i might even be able to convince my ma to let/help me paint it.

i think this is a good pet project for me. i need to find myself and i cant do it by being online all the time. dont get me wrong, im not giving up the computer. im just going to be doing things so i wont be on as much. cause of course i still would be on to talk to him, theres not even a question about that.. and id still wanna log into secondlife and chat/dj at night if i wanted to. i just wouldnt be on as much during the day. plus, i would also be on to blog ;D

anyway, i need to sleep. i have a big day tomorrow.. starting with a wake up call for him before i sleep! ;D

tidy house, tidy mind. (if thats wrong, im sure he will correct it, lol)

im so frustrated. i actually ended up hanging up on her. she called me after class, but i didnt answer and she didnt leave me a voice mail. and i know im not in the wrong.. so until she apologizes were offically fighting. im also going to be posting an ad tomorrow on craigslist for my new caregiver. the way she handles helping me or lack thereof isnt fair to me. im relying on her and she doesnt come thru. ive had enough.

anyway, moving on. aside from all that.. ive had a pretty good night. my ma helped me up and helped me shower. by the time i was done he was home and we got to chat for a bit before he headed to bed, which is always nice. to be honest, and its only happened a few times cause he was away.. but when we dont talk i feel like my day isnt complete. lol, like something is off. after that, i ended up going to listen to my friends dj set in secondlife and then afterwards did a set of my own. i had fun, i always do when i dj.

tomorrow ill be up early and im gonna sit outside and read for a bit before i come in and do some more art. after that, im not sure.. probably work on some shirts for my shop in secondlife and also some designs for my stationery. ;D

i searched all of craigslist for jobs today and im pretty sure ive been through all that i can and sent my resume into everyone i thought i could do. now its just a matter of waiting for replies, which lets be honest.. probably wont happen. its fine though. i need to get my shit together and start my own business. stationery. i need to start that shit. i have all the ideas in my head, but as soon as i go to sketch them out for the cards and stuff its like my mind goes blank and all i end up doing is staring at the page for ever. its annoying. id like to do something with the photo shop.. maybe i can come up with stuff on there and then figure out how to get it onto the cards/stationery afterwards.

im still reading my book. i know i said id get little book reports, but i think once im done ill just give a little overall report on it. i was never really good at book reports anyway. even my favorite book that ive read literally 83 times.. i still have trouble explaining what happens in it. and i love that book. the book by the way is called she’s come undone, its by wally lamb. by far the best book i have ever read. written by a guy about a woman through her point of view from the age of four to forty. its just amazing and this may sound weird, but by the time i was finished with it that first time.. which only took 1.5 days to read 480 pages i believe… i felt like she was one of my very best friends. i laughed and cried along with her. its the first book i was ever able to relate to. i never understood what my teachers were talking about until i read it four years after high school, lol.

i feel like im all over the place with my thoughts. i had such a bad migraine and it has just drained me off all the my energy. im having my dad bring up this exercise thing we have in the basement, so i can start workin with that. i have no idea where we are going to put it, but it will be brought up. im excited to start using it again, its been awhile. itll definietely help me with the losing weight issue. which im still working on.. so far, so good.

i feel like im about to pass out, so im going to get some sleep and tomorrow work on some more shit.. what? im not sure of yet.. but im sure itll be something. and i get to talk to him tomorrow!! yay! and im sure ill read and fuck about on craigslist more and start working on designs for my stationery in photoshop. ;D

i think tomorrow im going to post an ad on craigslist for a new one and look for a job while im on there as well. there were a few that i saw when i glanced at it earlier that looked like potentials, so keep your fingers crossed! im excited about tomorrow, actually. i think that im going to have my ma help me get up in the morning so i can work on my art. im setting a goal for myself to have it finished by the time he gets back from holiday. im excited about tomorrow cause of my art, but im sad cause hes leaving for a few days, lol. i know he needs the holiday, tho. plus, we still get to chat.. just not  like normal. ;p but, with all that extra time ill have to find something to do… so thats why im workin on my drawing. and then i get to start the mulitple canvas one! ;D

im heading off to secondlife now. i have a friends rezday party to attend and then dj for her. lol, im sure ill come back later and ramble for a bit. but if not… then tomorrow!

tomorrows agenda: art, reading, craigslist.

so a few weeks ago i found out that yellowcard and mae are supposed to be in town, but they are sold out. fuckers. i need to go to this show. i have to go. i love mae. love em. so i check out craigslist.com, if you never have you should. i found a guy sellin tickets, before i email him telling him we have to get these tickets, i decided to call and make sure the metro is accessible. cuz if not that would just suck. so i call. it is. fuck yea!

we get the tickets. ivy and i are beyond excited about this show. i call again to make sure the place is accessible cuz well, with situations like this, you never know. again, i am told it is. rock on. i called two more times prior to the night of the show. both times i was told it is accessible. so that is now minimum of four times being told, yes it is.

fast forward. its fifteen minutes before we have to leave to catch the bus to get to the show. we are finishing up getting ready. i suggest we should call one more time. find out if we need to go anywhere special or be there at a certain time. so, ivy calls. they put her through to security. she lets them know about the chair and asks where and what time. he says 5:30 and then asks about the chair. is it heavy? can it be lifted? can she be lifted? we were like wtf. they told us it was wheelchair accessible. he says no, we carry the chairs up.

anger. frustration. pissed off. livid. i was livid. we had no idea what we were going to do. i had to go to that concert. we decide well go. well figure things out when we get there and if worst comes to worst we get our money back and hit up a few bars.

the bus ride. the whole time im thinking ‘i am not being carried up god knows how many flights of stairs. fuck that shit.’ im not into the whole trusting a stranger not to drop me. ivy on the other hand thought differently. she assured me it would be cool, the guys could do it, they are strong, itll be ok.

the show. as we walk up im still having my doubts. i see a couple security people. im thinking no way. then out walks eddie, he was/is buff. he starts asking shit about the chair, how heavy is it, all that crap again. im like you arent carrying the chair up the stairs. mainly because if its dropped, im shit out of luck. its a 23,000 chair. not something you want to be messing with.

we go inside and are by the stairs for the backstage area. theres about.. oh id say at least 6 nice looking security guys around. all trying to figure out what to do. so we explain what needs to be done. im freakin out in my head at this point after i see the 10 steps we need to go up.

were ready to go. i have two big security guards carrying me up a flight of stairs. plus two spotters [a guy in front and a guy in back just in case - safety precautions]. we make it up the first flight. im thinking ‘yay! we are almost done!’. i was wrong. dead wrong, we turn the corner, there is a fucking huge steep flight of stairs, plus more stairs after that, about 6 or 7 more.

were mid way through the steep flight, and i know im slipping i can feel it. i am freakin out, my heart is pounding, my breathing was funny, im telling them im slipping, theyre tellin me im not. we get to the last 6/7 stairs. 3 more to go. we stop. im slipping. now the spotters have to help. they pull the chair over that im going to be sitting in for the concert. they get me up the last 3 stairs and into the chair. i made it. and i was ok. they grab the chair im in now and carry it to the balcony. why they didnt just use the chair the first time was beyond all of us.

they were sweet. the one guy got me a pillow for behind my back. and we were set to see the show. we got to see the soundcheck shit since we were there early. it was neat. the first band, blackout pact, they sucked. they had two hotties in the group though. then mae came out :) i love mae. they are all so very hot [the lead singer, dave elkins, reminds me of a certain someone - who coincidently was the one who got me into mae, who also was the one i was thinking about the whole time]. and they are awesome musicians to top it off. then yellowcard played. they were awesome. the whole thing was incredible, i had never been to a concert like this before. i usually go to ben folds. you dont see crowd surfing and mosh pits at ben folds. it was fun to watch.

after the show. the security guys come back. this time they are going to leave me in the chair and hold onto that instead. so now there is a security guy on each side, one in the front [plus ivy was there, too] and then the muscle man, eddie behind me. he kept reassuring me that he would not let me fall cuz he wasnt about to fall himself. he was nice, he calmed me down a little. the guys on the side of the chair were walking fast, i thought someone was going to lose their footing. i was freaking out. at one point they had leaned me back so far i thought that it was the end. we got down to the last flight of stairs and took a little rest. i couldnt hold my head up. i was nervous, when im nervous i get weak. eddie held my head up for me :) it was sweet. so they got me down the last flight of stairs and put me back into my wheelchair.

it was nuts. those of you reading this that dont know me very well, this was a hard thing to let someone else do. im not a trusting person in situations like that. normally i would opt to not go to the show and then id regret it. i had to see mae though. so this time i did it, i put the trust into them not to drop me and they came through. they are a great group of guys. we must have apologized 50 million times and each time they said not to worry, it wasnt our fault and its not a big deal. i had a great time. and hopefully, now that i went to this and everything turned out alright, ill be able to try other things i didnt think i could do before.

so.. cross your fingers and all that jazz. ;D