elle jay* » depressed http://www.ellejay.com nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Wed, 18 Aug 2010 00:11:55 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 elle jay* http://0.gravatar.com/avatar/8a6bc269a9181f0a68a5d1bc61bce9d0.png?s=48 http://www.ellejay.com amoung this sea of negativity. http://www.ellejay.com/2010/05/amoung-this-sea-of-negativity/ http://www.ellejay.com/2010/05/amoung-this-sea-of-negativity/#comments Fri, 14 May 2010 12:08:06 +0000 elle http://www.ellejay.com/?p=908 ive been a slacker. big time. to be honest, i dont feel like my excuse is legitimate, but it is at the same time. its a difficult one to explain. i really dont know where ive been for the past couple months, but i feel like i checked out during that time. i was depressed. i was battling some personal demons, i still am. im frustrated, confused, angry, sad and emotionally drained. dont get me wrong tho because amoung this sea of negativity im clinging to this driftwood of positivity. my problem was i lost my grip, but ive gotten it back! and im here to stay. honestly, i should have been writing during it all, but i couldnt bring myself to. i dont even know how much i plan on sharing with those of you who do read this.. but i guess we will see, lol.

for starters, the diet. its going great. ive lost 34.8lbs, thats 2.48 stone. still a long way to go, but i am getting there. my exercise routine has expanded itself throughout my entire day now. im not even going to try to being the stuff ive got myself doing, but its working! i will admit that one of them is when i turn up some music fairly loud and move around in my chair as much as i can while i dance to it. its the one exercise id be embarrassed to be caught doing.. by anyone, lol.  my song of choice was pretty much given to me as my theme song by my nerdface. he definitely hit the nail on the head with it too. its called “on a mission” by gabriella cilmi.

its time to really get my ass in gear tho because england is just around the corner! just a little over three months and i plan on being there. reservations are in the making as are all the other little details i need to go thru before heading across the pond. i never really got that saying, across the pond. lets call it like it is shall we? a fuckin’ ocean. a very big, very cold ocean. that under normal circumstances i would be terrified of flying over for two reasons; 1. its a fucking ocean and 2. its flying.. over a fuckin ocean. ok, so maybe i still am a little nervous. however! its nothing like i thought it would be. check back in about three months and we will see if i have the same answer, lol. anyway, im getting all the little details sorted out and progress is moving along. ive done my research and now its time to act and make our plans a reality.

im still planning on getting some new ink before i head out there and then have it completed when im there. hopefully, ill be doing that soon. i need to draw up a design for a friend of mine looking for a gemini tattoo idea. once thats done we can head over to the place that my brother used to get his ink done at. im actually looking forward to that a lot. i think itll definitely be a therapeutic experience and probably something i need for a little closure with the whole thing. i think its a big reason theres some tension going on with my folks and myself lately. were dealing with it the best we can, but i think weve hit the ceiling on the situation. well figure it out tho because i know that no matter what they love me and i love them. i think we all just lose sight of that sometimes.

a big part of the negativity was lack of progess, ideas, creativity, projects.. im fixing that too. ive finally gotten my website up for my graphic design business. im going to also be making stationery/notecards. and i have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well. but there they shall remain for the time being. i just know i need to get back into my art big time and check on some dates for this summers array of street festivals. ;D adding that to my to-do list right now as a matter of fact!

alright, time for me to get back on the case! or maybe take a nap.. no, no nap. resistance will not win!! ;p

It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks
down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles.
Claude M. Bristol

]]> http://www.ellejay.com/2010/05/amoung-this-sea-of-negativity/feed/ 0 instead i sleep. http://www.ellejay.com/2010/01/instead-i-sleep/ http://www.ellejay.com/2010/01/instead-i-sleep/#comments Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:47:38 +0000 elle http://www.ellejay.com/?p=874 i feel bad. today was his last day off and i slept thru it. we were on yahoo voice, but i slept. he even wanted to watch a movie and i slept thru that! i love being able to hang with him and nerd out, but i slept thru it today and it makes me a little sad. honestly tho, i think a part of the excess sleeping is that im a little depressed. im still all about the positive mental attitude, ive just been thinking about my brother a lot the past week or so. ive gotten angry out of nowhere and sad.. and i just think its all starting to sink in slowly. so to deal with it, im sleeping more. that stops tomorrow. i am sad about it, but i cant let it dictate my actions. i still have things i need to do and i cant get them done or reach my goals by slacking off even if it happens to be a valid reason.

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

]]> http://www.ellejay.com/2010/01/instead-i-sleep/feed/ 0 wednesday was not a good day. http://www.ellejay.com/2009/08/wednesday-was-not-a-good-day/ http://www.ellejay.com/2009/08/wednesday-was-not-a-good-day/#comments Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:56:57 +0000 elle http://ellejayxoh.wordpress.com/?p=592 i slept all day. i woke up and was sad and instead of facing the day, i pulled the blankets over my head and closed my eyes.. wishing i could live in my dreams forever. everything is so perfect there and then to wake up and come back to the realization that its another day of transferring, squeaky tires, a sore back, a sore ass for that matter, being on someone elses schedule.. its just disappointing and today, i didnt want to deal with it.

i also had something happen to me which usually happens every so often and all it ever does is infuriate me and frustrate me like no other. im going to try to explain it the best i can, so bear with me.. when i woke up this morning and was laying there, i had this feeling in my body.. in my muscles like they wanna work, but i cant do anything about it. ill get these muscle twitches and get so antsy its like all i wanna so is hop up and pace around, but all i can do is lay there frustrated. it added on to my mood this morning.

dont get me wrong, i am throughly looking forward to where my life is going. its just some days i realize that im still working toward my goal and the uphill battle is just too much to handle. so, i breakdown for a day or two. ill be fine tho, i know my goals and i am still determined to reach them. more than determined.. and im too excited about england, seeing him and my new ink to not work hard to reach that finish line. but everyone has their moments.. today was mine.

i need to sleep now tho. ive only been up for 6 hours and im already ready for bed again. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. positive mental attitude, its what im going to try to go to bed and wake up with. i have too much shit i need to get done to let myself get dragged down.

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