im not gonna lie, the thought of falling asleep and not waking up has crossed my mind a lot today. a lot. theres too much id miss if that happened. but the thought of being free from physical limitations is so inviting that sometimes i cant help but contemplate the thought of just.. ending it all. im not going to. this is by no means me stating that im going to try anything, its just my thought process on the whole thing. ive been stuck in this chair since i was seven. the thoughts have been with me since.. id say sometime in  high school, maybe freshman year.. so since i was about thirteen or fourteen. the thoughts will pass as they always do.. theyre just all rushing at me at once at the moment.

sometimes i feel like i can cry all day and i still would have more left in me. i hit these low points and sometimes its so hard to pull myself out of them because in my head all im doing is throwing negative thoughts at myself. its fucking counter-productive and i know that.. and it goes against one of the things on my to-d list.. but sometimes its just so hard to get out of that mindset. i think maybe i need to go to a support group. but then of course my low self-esteem kicks in and the thought of being in a group and having to talk or having people look at me makes me nervous and not wanna go. ill look into it, but it doesnt necessarily mean im going to end up going. it cant hurt to find out about it tho, maybe give a meeting a go.. they wont know me, i wont know them.. so if i dont go again, no harm no foul, right?

tomorrow ill be up early, thankfully. that also means ill get to have coffee!! which always helps out with feeling better. aside from that, im going to be working more on the piece i started today and maybe work a little more on crocheting.. and then of course nerding out with him at some point. ;D

sometimes i wish that i never walked at all when i was younger. thats part of the problem. i know what its like to walk and get around by myself. i may not have been fast or stealthy, clumsy for the most part.. but it was on my own time. i didnt need help. i dont know how to describe this.. but sometimes when i think about walking or running.. i get this feeling. like the message is getting to my muscles, but they are on a permanent holiday.

i cant let myself fall into depression. i wont allow it. positive thinking.. tomorrow i clean out my room and start my spring out the right way. im pretty sure the saying goes.. clean room (house?), clean mind. i may have that wrong. im sure he will correct me if i am, lol. oh and on a positive note, ive begun my origami.. made a sailboat, failed with an angel fish. but im working on it.