thirty-five pounds down and ive seemed to come to a dead halt. im working hard on breaking free of this plateau i seem to be stuck on tho. im ready to take a running leap off of it to be honest. tomorrow starts a more intense work out. well, intense may be the wrong word, but itll be a little bit more than what i have been doing without killing myself or making myself too tired to be able to transfer myself cause thats no fun. i feel like i should be off exercising right now. hell, i think i might. ive got the motiviation, ive got the music.. i definitely have the time!

my future awaits.. its time for me to get on the case a bit more and not let it wait for too long. :)

for starters, the diet. its going great. ive lost 34.8lbs, thats 2.48 stone. still a long way to go, but i am getting there. my exercise routine has expanded itself throughout my entire day now. im not even going to try to being the stuff ive got myself doing, but its working! i will admit that one of them is when i turn up some music fairly loud and move around in my chair as much as i can while i dance to it. its the one exercise id be embarrassed to be caught doing.. by anyone, lol.  my song of choice was pretty much given to me as my theme song by my nerdface. he definitely hit the nail on the head with it too. its called “on a mission” by gabriella cilmi.

its time to really get my ass in gear tho because england is just around the corner! just a little over three months and i plan on being there. reservations are in the making as are all the other little details i need to go thru before heading across the pond. i never really got that saying, across the pond. lets call it like it is shall we? a fuckin’ ocean. a very big, very cold ocean. that under normal circumstances i would be terrified of flying over for two reasons; 1. its a fucking ocean and 2. its flying.. over a fuckin ocean. ok, so maybe i still am a little nervous. however! its nothing like i thought it would be. check back in about three months and we will see if i have the same answer, lol. anyway, im getting all the little details sorted out and progress is moving along. ive done my research and now its time to act and make our plans a reality.

im still planning on getting some new ink before i head out there and then have it completed when im there. hopefully, ill be doing that soon. i need to draw up a design for a friend of mine looking for a gemini tattoo idea. once thats done we can head over to the place that my brother used to get his ink done at. im actually looking forward to that a lot. i think itll definitely be a therapeutic experience and probably something i need for a little closure with the whole thing. i think its a big reason theres some tension going on with my folks and myself lately. were dealing with it the best we can, but i think weve hit the ceiling on the situation. well figure it out tho because i know that no matter what they love me and i love them. i think we all just lose sight of that sometimes.

a big part of the negativity was lack of progess, ideas, creativity, projects.. im fixing that too. ive finally gotten my website up for my graphic design business. im going to also be making stationery/notecards. and i have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well. but there they shall remain for the time being. i just know i need to get back into my art big time and check on some dates for this summers array of street festivals. ;D adding that to my to-do list right now as a matter of fact!

alright, time for me to get back on the case! or maybe take a nap.. no, no nap. resistance will not win!! ;p

It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks
down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles.
Claude M. Bristol

ive been a little down today, but then i put all my new art supplies together and started drawing a bit. i feel better already, hopefully tonight i can sleep and then be even better tomorrow. we shall see!!

so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

speaking of diets.. only 27 more pounds to go before i hit my short term goal. so, yay! i also think my sleeping schedule is back on track. its been a long time since ive been ready to go to bed by 10/11pm, but for the past couple days i have been and then ive been up around 8am.. on my own accord! lol, that hasnt happened in ages! i just need to keep it up, especially when the folks go out of town. thats when it could go downhill. i refuse to let it tho. i kind of like being up early, getting my to-do list for the day together and then slowly checkin them off. feels like im accomplishing thing.. well, thats cause i am, but it feels better to actually be able to check whatever it is off the list. see the progression rather than just move from one thing to the next.

so, ive been thinking about the new ink i want and as much as i want to do it right this second.. i think im going to wait until i reach my short term goal. just like im waiting til im out in england to finish it, i have to wait til i hit my 30lbs by april 1st mark before i can start it. i think itll be the perfect reward and then i can take new pictures of myself 60lbs lighter and with new ink. itll be perfect! anyway, i have things to do! time to get on the case :)

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.
Mike Murdock

another thing i think i might do to keep motivated is to put up some pictures that would remind me of what im working for. i have to admit, i got the idea from him, lol. he thought id make fun of him for doing it himself [weve all got goals!], but i actually thought it was a great idea. so, im going to start looking for some things that remind me of england and maybe some clothes i want or clothes id be able to wear once i hit my goal weight. only thing is i dont have anywhere to put them. hes got an office/studio, i have a bedroom. i think i might have to go get a cork-board and make use off it or i can be creative and maybe possibly make my own. ive done it in the past.. im sure i can do it again. who knows tho, lol. reagardless, i think having those visuals up is exactly what i need to keep me on track. polo does a pretty good job as well, if you remember hes one of the little guys he bought for me. i sent him marco and kept polo. they are our mascots and in all honesty, it really does work. hes just that little reminder of what im working towards and i love it.

so tomorrow is all about gathering things for motivation.. and logo making.. and music finding.. and umm idk what else! lol, ill find out tomorrow i suppose :) as for now tho, its time to sleep.. or at least attempt it cause at the moment im not really sleepy, but i know i should at least try. gotta get that schedule/routine sorted out asap!

Obstacles are things a person sees
when he takes his eyes off his goal.
E. Joseph Cossman

so, ive set a short term goal.. 30lbs by april 1st. that means by his birthday ill have lost 4stone.. or 56lbs. which means!!! only 44 after that! see it sounds better already, lol. honestly tho, regardless of how i split it up or what short term goals i make.. it doesnt matter cause come mid-august ill be at my goal weight and on my way to england! ive never been so determined about anything in my entire life. i cant help it tho, just the thought of being out there gets me so anxious and excited.

i feel like this is seriously going to be a great year for me. i can feel it! im already on track with this weight loss and im working on saving up the cash for my trip. and im working on getting the graphic design business going.. seriously, 2010 is the year of change for the better! anyway, im freakin tired and really need to get some rest if i ever wanna be done being sick. longer post tomorrow, promise ;)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Lao Tzu

the diet is first and foremost. ive already decided that im going to start using that arm exercise thing i have in my room. i cant use it every day because it does make my arms extremely tired. so, ive decided to use it a couple times a week for a few minutes and continue wii’ing at least an hour every day, no less!! no more cheat days, no excuses. i also need to start getting up by at least 10am at the latest even if i go to bed late, which i usually do whether i want to or not. im hoping to get into a routine so that maybe by 10 or 11 at night im ready for sleep. that would be ideal.

i have other things i need to keep focused on as well. another one of my major revolutions is to get my graphic design site up and running. ive set a goal for the end of february for that one. id like to have the site running by then. cause i cant get paying customers if i dont have my shit together. ive done a lot of stuff for people, but its all been pro bono.. which is absolutely fine with me. its been a great learning experience and ive loved it and continue to.. especially when its for him, hes so anal about it, but its made me work harder and ive gotten to the point that i can make him happy with a graphic on the first try.. at least a few times ive been able too, lol. however, its time i also start getting paid for my time/work. so.. getting the site going is one of my top revolutions!

another is my art. i really need to get back into it. obviously graphic design is art, but i mean more like my paintings and drawings. i have some ideas in my head and i cant wait to get them down on paper or canvas. i also need to keep blogging on a daily basis. no more slacking there either! im pretty sure thats it for my revolutions.. at least so far. i think its a pretty good start tho!

see you later 2009.. hello, 2010!
viva la revolución! ;p [that ones just for you, lol.. well us, but ya know.]

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language.
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot

i never thought i would be able to do this, but im so happy this dit is working out for me. ive wanted it for so long and had honestly given up cause nothing seem to have worked. now that it has, im feeling wonderful! dont get me wrong, diet food sucks. big time. but the end result is what im after and as my ma keeps telling me.. “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” im going to believe her on that one because i know im already feeling great even tho i still have a long way to go.

more exercise is in my future. i cant do much, but its time i start taking what i can do and pushing myself just a little more. not too much tho, i know all too well the effects of overdoing it for myself. thats when i end up getting hurt because im too tired to transfer properly. none of that, its not allowed anymore. i have found some things i can do in my chair for exercise, which is perfect cause while him and i watch jack bauer kick major ass in 24, i can burn calories. my chair has a power seat, so i can lay it back. that way i can do modified sit-ups. its perfect! and its obviously working, so yay!

my birthday is coming up and normally id have a yummy coffee from starbucks and later on in the evening we would go out for dinner. this year, instead of starbucks im just going to have a regular coffee from home with non-fat cream. however, i already decided im gonna use real sugar. ive tried the other shit and thats just what it is, shit. im skipping starbucks coffee, im keepin my damn sugar, lol. and we are still going to go out for dinner. im not worried about that. ive gone out quite a few times since i started the diet and have made very good choices. plus, it kind of pushes me to do a little more exercising, lol. i am sad tho cause ive sworn off dr pepper until im in england. that may sound lame to most people, but i love dr pepper. love, love love it. its all empty calories tho and i dont need those. im gonna miss it tho, haha.

moving on, ive heard from my friend. the one that i got into a fight with back in september. i refused to call her because i felt it was time for her to be the one to step up and take responsibility for how she acted. i wasnt about to call and fix things, she needed to do it when she was ready. apparently, she was ready at 3:40 this morning. we talked for ten minutes or so. she said she didnt wanna miss my birthday [i missed hers.. well i didnt miss it, i wanted to call, but didnt wanna break so i stood my ground] and that she missed me. im happy she called, i missed her too even tho i was mad at her. i think im going to invite her to go to dinner with us on tuesday. :)

its funny that she called and my parents are going  out of town. normally she would be the one to stay with me, but since we werent on speaking terms i had to ask a different friend. im sure we will all still hang out and her and i will definitely be heading to the tattoo parlor so i can start my new ink. i cant wait for that! its almost theraputic. it hurts, but it feels good and i tend to let my mind wander and get lost in my own thoughts while its being down. its just phase one of the new ink tho.. i cant finish it til i get to england and i cant get to england til i get to my goal weight. its all about motivation and positive mental attitude. and thankfully, i have both of those even tho my attitude may slip at times.. it always goes back to it ;D

anyway, its off to bed for me! i have new products to add to our site tomorrow and exercising to do!

Ability is what you’re capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
Lou Holtz

we talked about him for a good portion of the time. mainly because i was talking about my england trip and telling her some of the things we have planned. plus, i wanted to let her know what a great guy he is because i dont want her to be worried about it. even tho i know she will be cause shes my ma and thats her job. im sure before i even head overseas ill set it up so she can talk to him and at least see hes normal. well, normal might be pushing it, lol ;p

i also was telling her about the graphic design site that im slowly in the process of setting up. i was explaining to her what i wanted to do and to my surprise she said she can get me in touch with someone who basically has done the same thing. her friends sister started her own business from home and now has a successful business doing it. so im going to be getting her number this week and seeing if she can help me along in starting my own.. and possibly, if she ever had too much work could maybe pass some off to me.. im not holding my breath on that one, but it would be cool if she did.i might see if i can get an email instead. im kind of shy and i think its easier for me to organize my thoughts in an email rather than try to talk on the phone, at least at first anyway. and i say that in hopes of being able to start networking with her. shes been in the business so im hoping she can help me get my foot in the door. so, fingers crossed!

speaking of feet, check out my new shoesies. yea, i said shoesies. you wont get it and never will so dont try, lol. just know we know and thats all that matters. anyway, my new shoes are the shit. there are two other pairs that i got, but havent worn yet. those ones are my favorite. the best part about them is that they will look brand new for years! being in a chair does have its ups occasionally, lol. alright, its off to bed for me. i have designs to mess with tomorrow and possibly add some products to our site. ;D for now.. sleepydoodles! and tomorrow onwards and upwards!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Sally Berger