thats why it gets me so upset when i ask my ma to help me with something and i have to hear about it. like if i ask for her to fix my blankets a certain way.. to her its me being ocd. to me its me trying to get things situated so that if i get cold during the night i can easily pull my blankets up. one of the biggest thing she questions is when im getting into bed, there are certain steps in my routine and they go in that order so im comfortable during the night and dont need to bother her for anything. yes, sometimes i change the steps, thats my prerogative tho. its my routine, im allowed to. when shes helping me, shes my attendant. i shouldnt have to explain why one thing is happening before another. if i switch it up its for a valid reason and thats that. the minute i change something tho she has to start with the questions or if she switched up the routine she thinks thats ok. its not and im not ocd.

ok, im a little ocd. nothing like she claims i am tho. i just wish she could understand what i have to go thru and why things need to be done in certain ways. i know shell never get it tho and i dont know how else to explain it to her. ive tried telling her, she doesnt get it. :/

Frustration, although quite painful at times,
is a very positive and essential part of success.
Bo Bennett

i also had something happen to me which usually happens every so often and all it ever does is infuriate me and frustrate me like no other. im going to try to explain it the best i can, so bear with me.. when i woke up this morning and was laying there, i had this feeling in my body.. in my muscles like they wanna work, but i cant do anything about it. ill get these muscle twitches and get so antsy its like all i wanna so is hop up and pace around, but all i can do is lay there frustrated. it added on to my mood this morning.

dont get me wrong, i am throughly looking forward to where my life is going. its just some days i realize that im still working toward my goal and the uphill battle is just too much to handle. so, i breakdown for a day or two. ill be fine tho, i know my goals and i am still determined to reach them. more than determined.. and im too excited about england, seeing him and my new ink to not work hard to reach that finish line. but everyone has their moments.. today was mine.

i need to sleep now tho. ive only been up for 6 hours and im already ready for bed again. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.. positive mental attitude, its what im going to try to go to bed and wake up with. i have too much shit i need to get done to let myself get dragged down.

so this diet is frustrating. of course im excited about the results thus far, but still.. diets in general suck. i miss flavor, lol. sometimes i just want something bad for me. this whole veggies, fruits, salads blah blah blah.. gets boring and it lacks in deliciousness. i know for a fact that without my movitation and goal i set for myself at the end of this ordeal, i would have already called quits. however, the trip at the end will prove to myself that i can do it. i can stick with something i put my mind to, no matter how much it sucks at the time. i guess in the past ive given up as soon as something became to difficult, fuck just look at my transcripts from college.. lots of W’s. anyway, as much as it sucks.. im finishing it. im going to england. im getting new ink. i have to keep repeating this, so sorry if it gets old.. but its my blog, so ;p lol..

anyway! i had a surprise visit from a friend of mine tonight. hes was always the spontaneous, never make plans kinda guy and its always nice to bullshit with him when he makes those randoms stops. we got to hang out for an hour or so, maybe longer.. i dont know to be honest, i know i was in sl with him and then my friend came in, but no idea how long i was gone. eitherway, im bringing him to england with me, lol. hes been askin to help me shower for the past.. ooh idk, six years maybe lol.. so, now ill let him.. maybe.. who knows?

im tired.. and rambling.. so bedtime for me.. no plans for tomorrow, its a play it by ear day, yay!

im just hoping that after getting all this extra stuff for my laptop that it works.. cause if i lose all my shit, im going to be so pissed not to mention upset. after i transfer all my stuff onto the external hard drive im going to have to go back to the shop and drop off the fucking laptop. im just worried that no one will be able to bring me to do all this stuff. and if no one does, im gonna be even more pissed cause then not only will i be upset about the computer, but ill all be upset about not being able to get it to the shop.

im so frustrated. this might make me sound lame.. but in a way, i feel like im letting him down now cause im not going to be able to help with some stuff until i get my laptop up and running again. i wanna help, i have fun doing working on things with him or knowing i can get things done while hes at work. i know its not my fault the screen crapped out on me, but i still feel bad that im limited in helping out with certain aspects of the businesses.

im on my mas laptop right now. it sucks. its the slowest thing in te world. the keyboard is laid out completely different than mine as well and i keep fucking up what im typing. she doesnt even have firefox on here. im miss all my tabs and saved passwords and whatnots. this blows more than i could ever explain.

i need to go to bed before i get more pissed off than i already am. all i can say is im glad im still able to have access to secondlife, as shitty as the quality may be on this laptop.. voice still works, so i can still talk to hi even if he doesnt rezz for me, lol. alright, bed time for me.. i have a busy day tomorrow and im expecting a wake up call from him for a change of pace, lol. ;p

i really hope this diet is working. i mean i think it is, im following it to a tee.. so in theroy it should work. i guess we will find out next week when i go to the doctor cause im going to use the wheelchair scale there. im kinda annoyed the appointment is at 830 in the fucking morning. that means i have to be up at like 6am to make sure we get there on time. do you know how long well be there then? im guessing a good 30-45 minutes BEFORE i even go into the room and then well see the doctor for 15 minutes and be done. its bullshit. im only doing it  cause i need to see the doctor before i can get a new wheelchair. yea, i need a prescription for the insurance company saying that im in a wheelchair and in fact need one on a daily basis. ive had oooh… three chairs, maybe four so far.. its not like im magically not it in anymore. fuck, that would be awesome if that was the case.

i made a couple graphics today. i like the way they turned out, i need to make more logos still. ill do those tomorrow. im really excited about this business. i have a feeling its going to be better than either of us expected. i also read for a bit today, not much tho. it was kinda making me sleepy and i dont wanna reread what i just read cause i fell asleep for part of it. so ill read more tomorrow. its supposed to be gorgeous out, so maybe ill sit outside and soak up some sun while i read.

tomorrow.. im fuckin blogging before dinner. this late night stuff isnt working anymore and im passing out before i can get anything down that i want to.. ive done it again and fallen asleep mid blog. i need some shut eye before his wake up call. tomorrow tho, for real this time… earlier blog or possibly a few different short ones throughout the day. who knows? i certainly dont. ;p

i didnt do much today since i didnt get up until.. honestly, i dont remember. i think it was about 6pm. i did get my shower and she changed my sheets. she bitched about some stuff, too. i almost wanted to be a bitch back, but once again i held my tongue. anyway, i didnt get really anything done today. i found a few more jobs on craigslist and i started a couple different designs in photoshop.

tomorrow im going to a musical, mary poppins.. so i wont be able to work on much during the day. but when i come home ill have time to mess around with more stuff in photoshop and maybe even read a little more. hell, i might even dj tomorrow night.. who the fuck knows, lol.

today i worked on my art once i did get up and i read, then did more art and read again. i got to talk to him tonight, too.. which is always a good thing :) ..i was djing, but no one showed really.. so i said fuck it and left. ma helped me into bed tonight cause she doesnt have a car at the moment. surprisingly enough, we didnt fight during her helping me like usual. it was nice. i hope that continues.

tomorrow is more art.. im almost done.. and of course more reading. i think i might start his scarf tomorrow and i dont know what else, maybe sketch a little. and talk to him if he can get online ;D for now tho, its bed time i think.

so a few weeks ago i found out that yellowcard and mae are supposed to be in town, but they are sold out. fuckers. i need to go to this show. i have to go. i love mae. love em. so i check out craigslist.com, if you never have you should. i found a guy sellin tickets, before i email him telling him we have to get these tickets, i decided to call and make sure the metro is accessible. cuz if not that would just suck. so i call. it is. fuck yea!

we get the tickets. ivy and i are beyond excited about this show. i call again to make sure the place is accessible cuz well, with situations like this, you never know. again, i am told it is. rock on. i called two more times prior to the night of the show. both times i was told it is accessible. so that is now minimum of four times being told, yes it is.

fast forward. its fifteen minutes before we have to leave to catch the bus to get to the show. we are finishing up getting ready. i suggest we should call one more time. find out if we need to go anywhere special or be there at a certain time. so, ivy calls. they put her through to security. she lets them know about the chair and asks where and what time. he says 5:30 and then asks about the chair. is it heavy? can it be lifted? can she be lifted? we were like wtf. they told us it was wheelchair accessible. he says no, we carry the chairs up.

anger. frustration. pissed off. livid. i was livid. we had no idea what we were going to do. i had to go to that concert. we decide well go. well figure things out when we get there and if worst comes to worst we get our money back and hit up a few bars.

the bus ride. the whole time im thinking ‘i am not being carried up god knows how many flights of stairs. fuck that shit.’ im not into the whole trusting a stranger not to drop me. ivy on the other hand thought differently. she assured me it would be cool, the guys could do it, they are strong, itll be ok.

the show. as we walk up im still having my doubts. i see a couple security people. im thinking no way. then out walks eddie, he was/is buff. he starts asking shit about the chair, how heavy is it, all that crap again. im like you arent carrying the chair up the stairs. mainly because if its dropped, im shit out of luck. its a 23,000 chair. not something you want to be messing with.

we go inside and are by the stairs for the backstage area. theres about.. oh id say at least 6 nice looking security guys around. all trying to figure out what to do. so we explain what needs to be done. im freakin out in my head at this point after i see the 10 steps we need to go up.

were ready to go. i have two big security guards carrying me up a flight of stairs. plus two spotters [a guy in front and a guy in back just in case - safety precautions]. we make it up the first flight. im thinking ‘yay! we are almost done!’. i was wrong. dead wrong, we turn the corner, there is a fucking huge steep flight of stairs, plus more stairs after that, about 6 or 7 more.

were mid way through the steep flight, and i know im slipping i can feel it. i am freakin out, my heart is pounding, my breathing was funny, im telling them im slipping, theyre tellin me im not. we get to the last 6/7 stairs. 3 more to go. we stop. im slipping. now the spotters have to help. they pull the chair over that im going to be sitting in for the concert. they get me up the last 3 stairs and into the chair. i made it. and i was ok. they grab the chair im in now and carry it to the balcony. why they didnt just use the chair the first time was beyond all of us.

they were sweet. the one guy got me a pillow for behind my back. and we were set to see the show. we got to see the soundcheck shit since we were there early. it was neat. the first band, blackout pact, they sucked. they had two hotties in the group though. then mae came out :) i love mae. they are all so very hot [the lead singer, dave elkins, reminds me of a certain someone - who coincidently was the one who got me into mae, who also was the one i was thinking about the whole time]. and they are awesome musicians to top it off. then yellowcard played. they were awesome. the whole thing was incredible, i had never been to a concert like this before. i usually go to ben folds. you dont see crowd surfing and mosh pits at ben folds. it was fun to watch.

after the show. the security guys come back. this time they are going to leave me in the chair and hold onto that instead. so now there is a security guy on each side, one in the front [plus ivy was there, too] and then the muscle man, eddie behind me. he kept reassuring me that he would not let me fall cuz he wasnt about to fall himself. he was nice, he calmed me down a little. the guys on the side of the chair were walking fast, i thought someone was going to lose their footing. i was freaking out. at one point they had leaned me back so far i thought that it was the end. we got down to the last flight of stairs and took a little rest. i couldnt hold my head up. i was nervous, when im nervous i get weak. eddie held my head up for me :) it was sweet. so they got me down the last flight of stairs and put me back into my wheelchair.

it was nuts. those of you reading this that dont know me very well, this was a hard thing to let someone else do. im not a trusting person in situations like that. normally i would opt to not go to the show and then id regret it. i had to see mae though. so this time i did it, i put the trust into them not to drop me and they came through. they are a great group of guys. we must have apologized 50 million times and each time they said not to worry, it wasnt our fault and its not a big deal. i had a great time. and hopefully, now that i went to this and everything turned out alright, ill be able to try other things i didnt think i could do before.

its infuriating knowing that i used to be able to transfer without having to worry about falling. i used to joke about it cause at the time it had only happened once or twice because of something i did, whether it was put the chair or my hand in the wrong place. my grandma leaves the room when i transfer cause the way i lean over the side of the chair freaks her out. she always tells me to be careful and my immediate reaction was always, “i know what im doin, grams”.. but now i actually have to heed her advice.

no one really understands what im going thru. i mean, i know there are other people that are going thru similar situations, but none of our situations are exactly alike. the ones of us going thru it can understand to a greater degree tho. think about it tho.. think about a task you do on a daily basis and then think about losing the ability to accomplish that task.. slowly, some days being worse than others. all you can do is deal with it, but how? thats the fucking problem. its like im supposed to just let the few things i can do on my own just slip away.. just watch what little independence i have go right down the drain. there isnt much i can do. im already doing that, im taking the vitamins, im excercising as much as i can. i dont know what else i can do.

i can be a vindictive bitch (however, im usually not), but i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. ive thought about that tho. like what if one day i had the choice: stay the way i am and continue down this path or pass it on to someone else, in turn being completely healed. could i do that to someone else knowing the difficulty they would face? i know in my past ive been selfish. to be honest, maybe im in the chair because of something i did in a past life. who really knows? but i think if given the choice.. i honestly wouldnt know what my answer would be. i mean, of course id not wanna be in the chair, but knowing that someone else would have to be.. that would be nerve racking. if i had to choose.. as bad as i would feel.. id have to pass it on. being free from this physical prison is all ive ever wanted. ill say this tho, whoever ended up in the chair because of my decision would have one hell of a caregiver. cause i know i wouldnt just leave them hanging.

anyway, the creative ideas are still flowing. as a matter of fact, im working on a build in secondlife.. ive just taken a break so i can write this. im still working on my art piece, which will hopefully be done in the next week or so and then id like to start working on the three canvas piece. i mess with some stationery earlier, too. i wasnt happy with how it turned out, but im gonna keep working at it. i didnt read today, i couldnt concentrate. maybe tomorrow ill give it another go.

im just having a bad day. i really need to figure out my caregiver situation. im just scared to confront her. i dont have many friends over here. in fact shes really the only one i have here. if we fight or have a falling out, then i will end up being more of a shut in than i am now. but i also know that i cant let things go on the way they have been. i need to be up before mid afternoon. i need to be productive during the day and tho i can do things online.. id like to be able to leave my room if i want. at the same time tho, im scared of losing one of my best friends. im stuck between a rock and a hard place and i dont know what to do about it.

aside from the whole caregiver situation.. im just not feeling happy today. i couldnt even have coffee when i wanted it cause if i drink it too late.. by the time i get into bed, i have to get back out a couple hours later cause the caffeine kicks in. im seriously trying to keep a positive mental attitude, but today is one of those days when its just not working in my favor. i know i shouldnt dwell on the things i cant do and focus on the things i can.. but thats easier said than done. and it still sucks when you see other people doing things you wanna do and you know you cant. sitting on the sidelines sucks. its like i live my life as a benchwarmer, never good enough to play on the team.