so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

speaking of diets.. only 27 more pounds to go before i hit my short term goal. so, yay! i also think my sleeping schedule is back on track. its been a long time since ive been ready to go to bed by 10/11pm, but for the past couple days i have been and then ive been up around 8am.. on my own accord! lol, that hasnt happened in ages! i just need to keep it up, especially when the folks go out of town. thats when it could go downhill. i refuse to let it tho. i kind of like being up early, getting my to-do list for the day together and then slowly checkin them off. feels like im accomplishing thing.. well, thats cause i am, but it feels better to actually be able to check whatever it is off the list. see the progression rather than just move from one thing to the next.

so, ive been thinking about the new ink i want and as much as i want to do it right this second.. i think im going to wait until i reach my short term goal. just like im waiting til im out in england to finish it, i have to wait til i hit my 30lbs by april 1st mark before i can start it. i think itll be the perfect reward and then i can take new pictures of myself 60lbs lighter and with new ink. itll be perfect! anyway, i have things to do! time to get on the case :)

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.
Mike Murdock

thats what i realized today. ive lost 1.5lbs in a matter of 3 days. why? cause im determined. im motivated. ive got that grrrr factor back and im not letting it slip away again! ive added new things i can do to exercise even when im sitting in bed.. kinda like im doing now while i type this post. its eleven at night and im exercising even tho i can wait til the morning. why? cause i want this more than anything and i have deadlines and goals to meet. even the littlest movements can help, thats obvious after my last weigh-in. and it will be even more obvious after the next one and the one after that and so on ;D

30lbs by april 1st. pfft, thatll be a piece of proverbial cake ;D lol. for now tho i need sleep, i have a business meeting in the morning with my cousin! sleepydoodle time! positive mental attitude for the win! lol

When you know what you want
and you want it badly enough,
you’ll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

the diet is first and foremost. ive already decided that im going to start using that arm exercise thing i have in my room. i cant use it every day because it does make my arms extremely tired. so, ive decided to use it a couple times a week for a few minutes and continue wii’ing at least an hour every day, no less!! no more cheat days, no excuses. i also need to start getting up by at least 10am at the latest even if i go to bed late, which i usually do whether i want to or not. im hoping to get into a routine so that maybe by 10 or 11 at night im ready for sleep. that would be ideal.

i have other things i need to keep focused on as well. another one of my major revolutions is to get my graphic design site up and running. ive set a goal for the end of february for that one. id like to have the site running by then. cause i cant get paying customers if i dont have my shit together. ive done a lot of stuff for people, but its all been pro bono.. which is absolutely fine with me. its been a great learning experience and ive loved it and continue to.. especially when its for him, hes so anal about it, but its made me work harder and ive gotten to the point that i can make him happy with a graphic on the first try.. at least a few times ive been able too, lol. however, its time i also start getting paid for my time/work. so.. getting the site going is one of my top revolutions!

another is my art. i really need to get back into it. obviously graphic design is art, but i mean more like my paintings and drawings. i have some ideas in my head and i cant wait to get them down on paper or canvas. i also need to keep blogging on a daily basis. no more slacking there either! im pretty sure thats it for my revolutions.. at least so far. i think its a pretty good start tho!

see you later 2009.. hello, 2010!
viva la revolución! ;p [that ones just for you, lol.. well us, but ya know.]

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language.
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot

hibernating sounds perfect. i could sleep and sleep.. and just dream. i love dreaming. i have a tattoo on the inside of my forearm it reads ‘..i wanna see movies of my dreams..‘ its from car by built to spill, i love it. you should have a listen, maybe youll love it too or at least like it.. anyway, i digress.. i know a  lot of people might think thats lame. good thing i didnt get a tattoo to please someone else, huh? i got it cause it means something to me.. cause honestly id love nothing more than to share them with certain people. not all, of course. some are just for me, lol. but still, i would love to even sit back and just watch them like a movie. how cool would that be?

since hibernating isnt really an option, i need to get on the case. i have plans. theres NO way im breaking them! i need to get on track and start a routine. i think thats the first step. im thinking up by 8:30am and in bed by 9:30pm.. and then try to actually sleep. after i post, of course. and then with out a doubt id still do wake up calls. i wouldnt cut those out, lol. i dont know what my second step is yet. well, thats not true, i need to work on our website. i also need to work on photoshop and getting sugarmooch up and running as well. plus, i also wanna get back into art. ive been neglecting it and that needs to stop. and i need to start reading. i miss it, i used to read a lot a few years ago. and i miss getting lost in books. he would tell me to read something that i can learn something from.. i like getting lost in my imagination when i read, tho. so ;p

i think thats a good plan routine wise and goal/objective wise. positive mental attitude, thats what this is about. that is what i am about. :)

We must become the change we want to see.
Mahatma Gandhi

1. paint or draw at least one piece every 2 weeks
2. exercise at least 2-3 times a week
3. volunteer at an animal shelter
4. lose weight (im not putting an exact amount to lose.. cause i dont know how easy it will be and i dont wanna discourage myself)
5. create my own stationary/note cards
6. sell my stationary/note cards with the help of my partner in crime
7. get dolled up at least once a week, even if its just to go for a cup of coffee
8. go to a karaoke bar, have a few drinks and sing my heart out
9. give myself at least 5 compliments a day
10. blog every day, even after my 7.5 months are up ;)
11. clean out my room and get rid of every thing i dont need
12. put money away so i can move out a.s.a.p.
13. teach myself crocheting
14. read at least 4-5 books
15. speak up for myself
16. help take over the world
17. teach myself origami
18. make a squidoo page about origami
19. make youtube videos for the origami
20. start networking for camp reunion

i think thats good for now… ill add more if i think of any.