for starters, the diet. its going great. ive lost 34.8lbs, thats 2.48 stone. still a long way to go, but i am getting there. my exercise routine has expanded itself throughout my entire day now. im not even going to try to being the stuff ive got myself doing, but its working! i will admit that one of them is when i turn up some music fairly loud and move around in my chair as much as i can while i dance to it. its the one exercise id be embarrassed to be caught doing.. by anyone, lol.  my song of choice was pretty much given to me as my theme song by my nerdface. he definitely hit the nail on the head with it too. its called “on a mission” by gabriella cilmi.

its time to really get my ass in gear tho because england is just around the corner! just a little over three months and i plan on being there. reservations are in the making as are all the other little details i need to go thru before heading across the pond. i never really got that saying, across the pond. lets call it like it is shall we? a fuckin’ ocean. a very big, very cold ocean. that under normal circumstances i would be terrified of flying over for two reasons; 1. its a fucking ocean and 2. its flying.. over a fuckin ocean. ok, so maybe i still am a little nervous. however! its nothing like i thought it would be. check back in about three months and we will see if i have the same answer, lol. anyway, im getting all the little details sorted out and progress is moving along. ive done my research and now its time to act and make our plans a reality.

im still planning on getting some new ink before i head out there and then have it completed when im there. hopefully, ill be doing that soon. i need to draw up a design for a friend of mine looking for a gemini tattoo idea. once thats done we can head over to the place that my brother used to get his ink done at. im actually looking forward to that a lot. i think itll definitely be a therapeutic experience and probably something i need for a little closure with the whole thing. i think its a big reason theres some tension going on with my folks and myself lately. were dealing with it the best we can, but i think weve hit the ceiling on the situation. well figure it out tho because i know that no matter what they love me and i love them. i think we all just lose sight of that sometimes.

a big part of the negativity was lack of progess, ideas, creativity, projects.. im fixing that too. ive finally gotten my website up for my graphic design business. im going to also be making stationery/notecards. and i have a few other ideas up my sleeve as well. but there they shall remain for the time being. i just know i need to get back into my art big time and check on some dates for this summers array of street festivals. ;D adding that to my to-do list right now as a matter of fact!

alright, time for me to get back on the case! or maybe take a nap.. no, no nap. resistance will not win!! ;p

It’s the constant and determined effort that breaks
down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles.
Claude M. Bristol

I was hiding under your
porch because I love you.
-Dug

so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

aside from that, ive gotten back into my art. i think ive finally found what i really enjoy doing. line drawings. it sounds simpler than it is, lol. but believe me, its hundreds of lines one after another.. its quite therapeutic to be honest. its great to just turn on some music and get to work. and then after im done with all th elines i add color with my chalks. the pieces look amazing and it feels good to actually have completed pieces especially since i havent had a completed piece in a long time. i think i got overwhelmed with what ive tried to do in the past, but with the newer pieces i finished i made them much smaller than i had been trying to do. i figure i can work my way up to larger pieces. im definitely going to be doing more of these because what id really like to do is sell them online. i have some other technics i wanna try out too, which i plan on doing tomorrow. all i can say is.. i fucking love sharpies. the pens are amazing and the markers rock as well, lol.

anyway, nothing else has really been going on.. just the usual. i think im gonna head to bed tho. hes got an early wake up call waiting for him cause he has treats to pick up from post office today, yay! so, off to sleepydoodles for me.. and more art tomorrow and a post. oh! ill tell you about my new book tomorrow :) yay!

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

i really dont know what to post about tonight. i didnt so all that much today. aside from brainstorming.. which is basically sleeping, lol. however, him and i did put together a great web page for a friend of his. it took pretty much all night, but it was a good learning experience. especially after i broke it at one point and he had to fix it, lol. however, after a new theme and a little handy work between the two of us we were able to get it all sorted! ;D what else did i do.. umm played a little wii, kicked my dads ass in it, of course. watched a movie with the folks and am about to go post on his site i think.. or attempt it or work on the site a little bit more. i havent decided yet, lol. i might even go to bed.. who really knows!

oh! i almost forgot, i totally tied my hair up tonight all by myself! i havent been able to do that in ages. granted, it took me about five minutes and it fell out of the ponytail about ten minutes later, lol. but! the point is i did it all on my own.. im quite proud of that. anyway, now its time to post elsewhere, work on css or sleep, lol.. peace, love and positive mental attitude! ;)

another thing i think i might do to keep motivated is to put up some pictures that would remind me of what im working for. i have to admit, i got the idea from him, lol. he thought id make fun of him for doing it himself [weve all got goals!], but i actually thought it was a great idea. so, im going to start looking for some things that remind me of england and maybe some clothes i want or clothes id be able to wear once i hit my goal weight. only thing is i dont have anywhere to put them. hes got an office/studio, i have a bedroom. i think i might have to go get a cork-board and make use off it or i can be creative and maybe possibly make my own. ive done it in the past.. im sure i can do it again. who knows tho, lol. reagardless, i think having those visuals up is exactly what i need to keep me on track. polo does a pretty good job as well, if you remember hes one of the little guys he bought for me. i sent him marco and kept polo. they are our mascots and in all honesty, it really does work. hes just that little reminder of what im working towards and i love it.

so tomorrow is all about gathering things for motivation.. and logo making.. and music finding.. and umm idk what else! lol, ill find out tomorrow i suppose :) as for now tho, its time to sleep.. or at least attempt it cause at the moment im not really sleepy, but i know i should at least try. gotta get that schedule/routine sorted out asap!

Obstacles are things a person sees
when he takes his eyes off his goal.
E. Joseph Cossman

first of all, the weather sucks ass. summer isnt so bad, but holy shit does winter suck. i hate the cold with a passion. plus, snow and my wheelchair dont mix well. im tired of being stuck in the house or not even being able to sit out on the deck cause of the weather. oh, but in arizona.. theres sun! and plenty of it.. all year round, too. seriously! they actually have places like that!! who knew?! i need the sun. winter gets me so down in the dumps and sometimes i get to the point where i dont know how to get out of it. gimme my damn vitamin D! no ruts this year tho, thats the plan.. its all about the positive mental attitude for 2010 and years to come hopefully. but for now, its the major component in reaching the goals id like to reach this year. i digress [sorta].. sunshine here i come!

and secondly, i didnt wanna move cause id leave all my friends. seriously tho.. i dont think it matters. this isnt me being all sad and whatnot.. this is me being honest. i have friends, but i dont really see them. ever. its a rarity even when plans are made things always seem to happen and then im left doing nothing. usually tho there are no calls or plans being made.. so if i moved out to arizona it wouldnt be any different, just warmer which we already established is a plus. maybe being out there would be a great fresh start.. by the time we would go ill be a completely different person.. not in my personality, aside from picking up some self-esteem and self-confidence, but i will look completely different. ill be able to go meet new people and not be hating the way i look. new start, new friends sounds pretty good to me. doesnt mean id forget my old friends or leave them behind, especially him. the best friend slot is taken, lol. he already has a room at the arizona house too, haha. ;D

anyway, like i said its still a few years off and who knows where ill be when they are ready to head out that way. fuck, maybe by then ill have my own place in some other state or country for that matter. maybe my own place, maybe a place with roommates, maybe a boyfriend i live with.. who knows?! anything is possible. for now tho, its sleepydoodle time before i wake his ass up, lol. positive mental attitudes, lovlies!!

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t
change it, change the way you think about it.
Mary Engelbreit

so, ive set a short term goal.. 30lbs by april 1st. that means by his birthday ill have lost 4stone.. or 56lbs. which means!!! only 44 after that! see it sounds better already, lol. honestly tho, regardless of how i split it up or what short term goals i make.. it doesnt matter cause come mid-august ill be at my goal weight and on my way to england! ive never been so determined about anything in my entire life. i cant help it tho, just the thought of being out there gets me so anxious and excited.

i feel like this is seriously going to be a great year for me. i can feel it! im already on track with this weight loss and im working on saving up the cash for my trip. and im working on getting the graphic design business going.. seriously, 2010 is the year of change for the better! anyway, im freakin tired and really need to get some rest if i ever wanna be done being sick. longer post tomorrow, promise ;)

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Lao Tzu