thirty-five pounds down and ive seemed to come to a dead halt. im working hard on breaking free of this plateau i seem to be stuck on tho. im ready to take a running leap off of it to be honest. tomorrow starts a more intense work out. well, intense may be the wrong word, but itll be a little bit more than what i have been doing without killing myself or making myself too tired to be able to transfer myself cause thats no fun. i feel like i should be off exercising right now. hell, i think i might. ive got the motiviation, ive got the music.. i definitely have the time!

my future awaits.. its time for me to get on the case a bit more and not let it wait for too long. :)

so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

thats what i realized today. ive lost 1.5lbs in a matter of 3 days. why? cause im determined. im motivated. ive got that grrrr factor back and im not letting it slip away again! ive added new things i can do to exercise even when im sitting in bed.. kinda like im doing now while i type this post. its eleven at night and im exercising even tho i can wait til the morning. why? cause i want this more than anything and i have deadlines and goals to meet. even the littlest movements can help, thats obvious after my last weigh-in. and it will be even more obvious after the next one and the one after that and so on ;D

30lbs by april 1st. pfft, thatll be a piece of proverbial cake ;D lol. for now tho i need sleep, i have a business meeting in the morning with my cousin! sleepydoodle time! positive mental attitude for the win! lol

When you know what you want
and you want it badly enough,
you’ll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn

another thing i think i might do to keep motivated is to put up some pictures that would remind me of what im working for. i have to admit, i got the idea from him, lol. he thought id make fun of him for doing it himself [weve all got goals!], but i actually thought it was a great idea. so, im going to start looking for some things that remind me of england and maybe some clothes i want or clothes id be able to wear once i hit my goal weight. only thing is i dont have anywhere to put them. hes got an office/studio, i have a bedroom. i think i might have to go get a cork-board and make use off it or i can be creative and maybe possibly make my own. ive done it in the past.. im sure i can do it again. who knows tho, lol. reagardless, i think having those visuals up is exactly what i need to keep me on track. polo does a pretty good job as well, if you remember hes one of the little guys he bought for me. i sent him marco and kept polo. they are our mascots and in all honesty, it really does work. hes just that little reminder of what im working towards and i love it.

so tomorrow is all about gathering things for motivation.. and logo making.. and music finding.. and umm idk what else! lol, ill find out tomorrow i suppose :) as for now tho, its time to sleep.. or at least attempt it cause at the moment im not really sleepy, but i know i should at least try. gotta get that schedule/routine sorted out asap!

Obstacles are things a person sees
when he takes his eyes off his goal.
E. Joseph Cossman

not this time around. i asked countless times with no results. then he goes, “if you wanna know, ill tell you.” of course i wanna know! “ye– no– yes! nono! dont tell me….. tell me. no dont!” im pretty sure my answer was different variations of that every time the questioned was asked. i wanted to know, but the anticipation was even better. he didnt tell me.i called and woke him up for work that morning and he sleepily sang me happy birthday. i loved it, it was really cute. another phone call later and he was off to work, unfortunately it was a double.

later on that morning after i woke up my ma comes up to my room with a package and the rest of the mail. she starts sorting thru her stuff while i sit there with my prezzie. tape still intact, scissors needed. i was in bed still, scissors were not an option. so i pry at the tape for a second and in the process ask my ma to help. when shes done with the mail. fuck that. i have been waiting for this package for a week and some odd days. i pulled and peeled the tape as much as i could..

twenty minutes later after a minor issue with the tape, i was in. he even got it gift wrapped ;D i wasnt expecting that at all. it was a sweet touch. two prezzies all wrapped up nice looked up at me from the box. i knew the larger one was the how to book, i opened it and flipped thru it a minute before going back to the other one. i knew this one was a book too, but i had no idea which one. i ripped the paper and all i saw was the red D and black background. i immediately knew what it was! a book by hank motherfuckin moody! if you dont know who that is, be ashamed. do yourself a favor and go check out the first episode of californication. if youre not hooked by the end, well then.. id say theres something wrong with you. lol, i kid. but seriously one of our favorites.

i am so excited about this book. i absolutely love it and i hadnt even read it yet. my ma of course gave me an odd look when she heard the name. i explained the significance of the book  to her, but i dont think she got it. oh well, i did. he had asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i said hank moody. he delivered. granted the real hank moody would have been much more appreciated.. lol maybe next year! regardless, i havent been able to put it down. im almost done and even just talking about it here makes me wanna stop posting and pick the book back up. i texted him to let him know i got it and i loved it and he said he had a surprise for me. turns out his double ended up not being a double. yay! that meant hanging out and more 24. and we did, it was great. :)

my ma went out to pick up our dinner. i finally decided on thai. it was delicious and i didnt feel guilty eating it. thats always a plus, lol. i hung out downstairs the rest of the night with my parents and we ended up playing wii for a couple hours. my dad bitched, my ma and i laughed at him. he bitched more and lost.. numerous times, lol. it was fun :) no one fought all night and my ma even got me a low fat yummy ice cream dessert for my birthday complete with peanut butter cups, my favorite! it was actually a very nice evening with my folks. im glad we decided to stay in and hang out at home. my friend even stopped by later after class to gimme a little prezzie to last me til friday, which was awesome of her.

im going for my tattoo this upcoming week and im excited. i feel like its something i need to get me in motion. this is going to be a year of changes for me. im really serious about getting on track. and this is by far the perfect year to get it done. i have my support, my motivation, my positive mental attitude and me results so far speak for themselves. its working so far. now to raise the bar. for now tho, i really need sleep. my hands are tired and my eyes keep wanting to shut. as much as i wanna read the rest of my new book.. i dont think tonight is gonna be the night i find out how it ends! sleepydoodle time, lol.

You won’t know the power of the journey until you step up each rung of  the
ladder toward what you want. Then, even if you get to the top and find this
dream is no longer desirable, you will be viewing life from a higher vantage
point and you will have grown in you’re ability to chase your dreams.
Troy Fontana

ive been looking into different places to rent a wheelchair from while im out there, thats one of my main concerns. i need something that can be broken down, but still be electric. but then it still needs to be a chair that is firm compared to most collaspable chairs which usually have soft backs and seats. at this point in time i know i wouldnt be comfortable in something like that for a long period of time. and i plan on being in england for at least a week, week and a half.. who knows at this point really, lol.

im hoping by the time im down to my goal weight, the kind of chair wont matter cause itll be easier for me to shift positions or if need be have someone lift me onto a couch or something of that nature. im getting closer to my goal every day. ive lost a a few more pounds and am down 22.8lbs so far! ive found new exercises i can do from my chair while i watch shows online with him, plus im still wii’ing.

ive been saving up for my trip as well. my new fund jar is for our london excursion while im over there. we plan on going down that way for a night or two, possibly see a friend and his girlfriend while we are there as well. thats what the bowl is for tho. all spare change will go in there and before i head overseas ill cash it and whats ever in there will go towards our mini trip within a trip ;D

im really excited about going over there and getting to hang out with him! its definitely the best motivation and just the kick in the ass that i needed. ive been on diets before. the most i lost was 10lbs and i was in my teen years at that point. the diets i tried after that, i dont know.. i guess i wasnt motivated enough. i didnt care about myself. i didnt feel like anyone did. of course, i know now its not true. but at the time its how i felt. i would cheat on the diet without a second thought.

now tho.. even thinking about cheating on it i feel guilty and choose not to do it. im pretty sure that a big part of that is that i tend to tell him everything. so if i cheated, i would definitely tell him and then id be disappointed in myself and whether he felt the same or not.. i would think he would be. i dont want that. plus, i owe this to myself to stick to it and continue on the road im on because in the long run its all for the better. i didnt think i had the willpower, but ive already proved myself wrong. i will get to my goal weight and when i do.. its england or bust. :)

Strength does not come from physical capacity,
it comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

ive been exercising during the day while im online. i turn on my music and start moving around in my chair as much as possible while i work on the site or graphics. it feels good. makes my back feel better, thats for sure. i texted my cousin tonight. shes been talking about joining weight watchers, but hasnt yet. her and my other cousin were supposed to do it together. to be honest, i dont know if either of them really want to lose the weight, but i know i do. so, when i texted her i asked if she wanted to maybe start coming over on a  regular basis and playing wii with me. its so much fun, but on your own can get slightly boring. plus, if shes serious about losing weight, itll help her and be helping me at the same time.

my parents go out of town in three and a half weeks. im looking forward to a break from them. dont get me wrong, i love my parents. but goddamn, living with them is a whole other story. i know for a fact that if i didnt live at home, my ma and i would get a long so much better. we get along now, but if i were out of the house it would be a much better relationship. however, since im here at least for the time being, im trying to just go with it. and with the new routine i have set for myself, it should keep her off my case.

ok, bedtime for me. i need to be up early!
positive mental attitude + motivation = yay!

A positive mental attitude is the starting point of all riches,
whether they be riches of a material nature or intangible riches.
Napoleon Hill

so now, its going to be my new journal. i got the urge to write a little.. contract with myself, if you will. just a little something to keep me going. and i think im going to write in it on a regular basis. the things i wanna write down, but not share with the world, even if it is with strangers. some things are meant just for me.

i really need to be serious about everything. no more slacking. no more sleeping late. its time to get on with things and really get on track because the more on track i am, the sooner ill be in england and hopefully the more money we have to spend on a little trip to london as well ;D

i know that the cold weather creeping in is going to drag me down. it does it all the time, but i need to do this. i cant let anything get in my way. fuck the weather, fuck anything negative anyone has to say. i can do anything i put my mind to.. hell, i already lost more than i thought i would. i have the support i need and i most definitely have the motivation. now its all up to me.

i see lots of wii’ing in my future.

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
John Heywood

i also got back the motivation i lost for doing the geek police website. its not so much that i lost motivation tho.. im not sure what happened to be honest. however, i was at a wedding yesterday and of course was asked what im up to followed by ‘are you in school?’ ..i hate saying i dropped out of college, but i did. it wasnt my thing. i tried it too many times and each and every time i quit. i did tell them that im working on a webpage with my best friend, but we havent really gotten it up and running like we would like.. i wanna be able to tell people that i help run a successful internet website. to do that i need to refocus and put as much effort into that as i can. so starting tomorrow.. im going to be up by 10am at the latest and im going to work on the site for as long as i can… that includes blogging as well. :)

we will take over the world.. slowly, but surely. ;)

so this diet is frustrating. of course im excited about the results thus far, but still.. diets in general suck. i miss flavor, lol. sometimes i just want something bad for me. this whole veggies, fruits, salads blah blah blah.. gets boring and it lacks in deliciousness. i know for a fact that without my movitation and goal i set for myself at the end of this ordeal, i would have already called quits. however, the trip at the end will prove to myself that i can do it. i can stick with something i put my mind to, no matter how much it sucks at the time. i guess in the past ive given up as soon as something became to difficult, fuck just look at my transcripts from college.. lots of W’s. anyway, as much as it sucks.. im finishing it. im going to england. im getting new ink. i have to keep repeating this, so sorry if it gets old.. but its my blog, so ;p lol..

anyway! i had a surprise visit from a friend of mine tonight. hes was always the spontaneous, never make plans kinda guy and its always nice to bullshit with him when he makes those randoms stops. we got to hang out for an hour or so, maybe longer.. i dont know to be honest, i know i was in sl with him and then my friend came in, but no idea how long i was gone. eitherway, im bringing him to england with me, lol. hes been askin to help me shower for the past.. ooh idk, six years maybe lol.. so, now ill let him.. maybe.. who knows?

im tired.. and rambling.. so bedtime for me.. no plans for tomorrow, its a play it by ear day, yay!