so i went down with my defenses up. ate in the kitchen alone while they all were in the dining room and came back upstairs. now even tho i was only mad for a brief period of time, it was such a waste of energy.. because to be honest, i was in a pretty good mood for the most part. granted i didnt get out of bed when i wanted to, once again cause of my caregiver. today wasnt until 5:00pm, which is just unfuckingacceptable. i still need to figure that one out.

seriously tho, aside from being stuck in bed.. i accomplished some things that i wanted to today. i got a bunch of music waiting for him to steal off of me. honestly, just one of the songs took about 3 hours to find and the rest of it took like all day to download, lol. its ok tho, i like being able to do things like that for him. :) it makes me happy. i also started my networking for that camp thing, i didnt have much luck. im still working on it.. it might take awhile tho. good thing ive got plenty of time!

back to my original point tho.. i think i need to add to my to-do list some sort of positive attitude.. like try to not be mad as often as i have been. sometimes its a defense tho.. cause im upset or sad and its just easier to make it come across as bitchy than it is to show or explain my feelings. honestly, the only one i feel comfortable talking about feelings with at all is him.. and i have, probably more so since the truth came out cause i can be completely open about everything, which by the way, feels more amazing than i could ever explain. i always wanted to do that.. but i couldnt. every time i heard the song iris by the goo goo dolls, it made me think of how much i wanted him to know who i was. now i can. i have been. and i will continue to.

anyway, im all over the place tonight. at least i feel that way, lol. so, in conclusion.. less wasted energy, more smiles, and umm oh! art. ;p hehe