thats what i realized today. ive lost 1.5lbs in a matter of 3 days. why? cause im determined. im motivated. ive got that grrrr factor back and im not letting it slip away again! ive added new things i can do to exercise even when im sitting in bed.. kinda like im doing now while i type this post. its eleven at night and im exercising even tho i can wait til the morning. why? cause i want this more than anything and i have deadlines and goals to meet. even the littlest movements can help, thats obvious after my last weigh-in. and it will be even more obvious after the next one and the one after that and so on ;D

30lbs by april 1st. pfft, thatll be a piece of proverbial cake ;D lol. for now tho i need sleep, i have a business meeting in the morning with my cousin! sleepydoodle time! positive mental attitude for the win! lol

When you know what you want
and you want it badly enough,
you’ll find a way to get it.
Jim Rohn

anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

i really dont know what to post about tonight. i didnt so all that much today. aside from brainstorming.. which is basically sleeping, lol. however, him and i did put together a great web page for a friend of his. it took pretty much all night, but it was a good learning experience. especially after i broke it at one point and he had to fix it, lol. however, after a new theme and a little handy work between the two of us we were able to get it all sorted! ;D what else did i do.. umm played a little wii, kicked my dads ass in it, of course. watched a movie with the folks and am about to go post on his site i think.. or attempt it or work on the site a little bit more. i havent decided yet, lol. i might even go to bed.. who really knows!

oh! i almost forgot, i totally tied my hair up tonight all by myself! i havent been able to do that in ages. granted, it took me about five minutes and it fell out of the ponytail about ten minutes later, lol. but! the point is i did it all on my own.. im quite proud of that. anyway, now its time to post elsewhere, work on css or sleep, lol.. peace, love and positive mental attitude! ;)

so this was a journal entry from quite a few years ago. i dont feel exactly the same, but some parts still ring true. regardless, im transforming the original me and ill be better than i even imagined. ;D for now tho, im so tired, i have to pass out! and like i said, the post was originally from a few years ago, im still all about the positive mental attitude!

first of all, the weather sucks ass. summer isnt so bad, but holy shit does winter suck. i hate the cold with a passion. plus, snow and my wheelchair dont mix well. im tired of being stuck in the house or not even being able to sit out on the deck cause of the weather. oh, but in arizona.. theres sun! and plenty of it.. all year round, too. seriously! they actually have places like that!! who knew?! i need the sun. winter gets me so down in the dumps and sometimes i get to the point where i dont know how to get out of it. gimme my damn vitamin D! no ruts this year tho, thats the plan.. its all about the positive mental attitude for 2010 and years to come hopefully. but for now, its the major component in reaching the goals id like to reach this year. i digress [sorta].. sunshine here i come!

and secondly, i didnt wanna move cause id leave all my friends. seriously tho.. i dont think it matters. this isnt me being all sad and whatnot.. this is me being honest. i have friends, but i dont really see them. ever. its a rarity even when plans are made things always seem to happen and then im left doing nothing. usually tho there are no calls or plans being made.. so if i moved out to arizona it wouldnt be any different, just warmer which we already established is a plus. maybe being out there would be a great fresh start.. by the time we would go ill be a completely different person.. not in my personality, aside from picking up some self-esteem and self-confidence, but i will look completely different. ill be able to go meet new people and not be hating the way i look. new start, new friends sounds pretty good to me. doesnt mean id forget my old friends or leave them behind, especially him. the best friend slot is taken, lol. he already has a room at the arizona house too, haha. ;D

anyway, like i said its still a few years off and who knows where ill be when they are ready to head out that way. fuck, maybe by then ill have my own place in some other state or country for that matter. maybe my own place, maybe a place with roommates, maybe a boyfriend i live with.. who knows?! anything is possible. for now tho, its sleepydoodle time before i wake his ass up, lol. positive mental attitudes, lovlies!!

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t
change it, change the way you think about it.
Mary Engelbreit

so my folks were gone for the past week, my sleep schedule [if you can really even call it that] got very messed up as a result. that, in addition to not feeling 100% has caused a lack in posting, which i apologize for, lol. tho i doubt the one or two readers who do read this really cared. well, i take that back, i know for a fact one did. lol, but lets be honest, hes probably the only one who checks it at least once a day. anyway, i digress. no more slacking is what it boils down to.

with them being gone i really thought there would be some fun things to report back, there isnt. i didnt do anything that i wanted to this past week. no tattoo, no shopping, no sending his early prezzies.. nothing. just sleep, tv, and herbs. a friend that normally doesnt stay with me did. and i understand she did also have to work during the day, but i dont know.. i guess i figured we could still go do things. im actually quite bummed we didnt. shit happens i suppose.

we did go out day and i got to see her apartment and then we met up with some friends of ours for dinner. i got to see their new baby, shes adorable! after dinner we went to barnes and noble, two different ones. i got myself a nice little address book and shes supposed to pick up something else for me when her discount kicks in. oh and also that night we went to the bar. the quietest bar in world! seriously. we were the only ones there. it was kind of lame.

i think the highlight of the week was getting a package in the mail from him. he had shown me a site before called neuron rebellion and then he had me go back to it again, this time to pick out one of the art dolls. they are a symbol of determination and inspiration and all those other positive ‘-tion’ words. not to mention they are freakin adorable. the story of how the dolls came about is reason enough to check out the site, which is linked above or in the side bar. so, he had me pick. after he explained what it would represent i thought it was only fitting to get marco & polo, the only ones on the site sold together.

according to the blurb about them they are mirror twins and hate being separated. they feed off each others energy and are a blast to be around [just like us, lol.. im very modest, hes humble, haha]. i was excited to get them, they are oh so very cute. we are however going to be separating them. itll be ok, marco is going to a good home and can talk to polo anytime via the internet and his microphone, lol.

polo, is gonna help me stay on track. weve already had a discussion. yes, i talked to a stuffed sock basically. what of it? this is an important year with lots of changes to be made. i cant afford to veer off track. i need to stay determined and focused, pushing away negative thoughts and people and embracing the positive. its hard, but then again it makes the ending even better. the best part is, it wont even be an ending.. itll just be the beginning. this year is just the warm up!

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going
in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley

not this time around. i asked countless times with no results. then he goes, “if you wanna know, ill tell you.” of course i wanna know! “ye– no– yes! nono! dont tell me….. tell me. no dont!” im pretty sure my answer was different variations of that every time the questioned was asked. i wanted to know, but the anticipation was even better. he didnt tell me.i called and woke him up for work that morning and he sleepily sang me happy birthday. i loved it, it was really cute. another phone call later and he was off to work, unfortunately it was a double.

later on that morning after i woke up my ma comes up to my room with a package and the rest of the mail. she starts sorting thru her stuff while i sit there with my prezzie. tape still intact, scissors needed. i was in bed still, scissors were not an option. so i pry at the tape for a second and in the process ask my ma to help. when shes done with the mail. fuck that. i have been waiting for this package for a week and some odd days. i pulled and peeled the tape as much as i could..

twenty minutes later after a minor issue with the tape, i was in. he even got it gift wrapped ;D i wasnt expecting that at all. it was a sweet touch. two prezzies all wrapped up nice looked up at me from the box. i knew the larger one was the how to book, i opened it and flipped thru it a minute before going back to the other one. i knew this one was a book too, but i had no idea which one. i ripped the paper and all i saw was the red D and black background. i immediately knew what it was! a book by hank motherfuckin moody! if you dont know who that is, be ashamed. do yourself a favor and go check out the first episode of californication. if youre not hooked by the end, well then.. id say theres something wrong with you. lol, i kid. but seriously one of our favorites.

i am so excited about this book. i absolutely love it and i hadnt even read it yet. my ma of course gave me an odd look when she heard the name. i explained the significance of the book  to her, but i dont think she got it. oh well, i did. he had asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i said hank moody. he delivered. granted the real hank moody would have been much more appreciated.. lol maybe next year! regardless, i havent been able to put it down. im almost done and even just talking about it here makes me wanna stop posting and pick the book back up. i texted him to let him know i got it and i loved it and he said he had a surprise for me. turns out his double ended up not being a double. yay! that meant hanging out and more 24. and we did, it was great. :)

my ma went out to pick up our dinner. i finally decided on thai. it was delicious and i didnt feel guilty eating it. thats always a plus, lol. i hung out downstairs the rest of the night with my parents and we ended up playing wii for a couple hours. my dad bitched, my ma and i laughed at him. he bitched more and lost.. numerous times, lol. it was fun :) no one fought all night and my ma even got me a low fat yummy ice cream dessert for my birthday complete with peanut butter cups, my favorite! it was actually a very nice evening with my folks. im glad we decided to stay in and hang out at home. my friend even stopped by later after class to gimme a little prezzie to last me til friday, which was awesome of her.

im going for my tattoo this upcoming week and im excited. i feel like its something i need to get me in motion. this is going to be a year of changes for me. im really serious about getting on track. and this is by far the perfect year to get it done. i have my support, my motivation, my positive mental attitude and me results so far speak for themselves. its working so far. now to raise the bar. for now tho, i really need sleep. my hands are tired and my eyes keep wanting to shut. as much as i wanna read the rest of my new book.. i dont think tonight is gonna be the night i find out how it ends! sleepydoodle time, lol.

You won’t know the power of the journey until you step up each rung of  the
ladder toward what you want. Then, even if you get to the top and find this
dream is no longer desirable, you will be viewing life from a higher vantage
point and you will have grown in you’re ability to chase your dreams.
Troy Fontana

i never thought i would be able to do this, but im so happy this dit is working out for me. ive wanted it for so long and had honestly given up cause nothing seem to have worked. now that it has, im feeling wonderful! dont get me wrong, diet food sucks. big time. but the end result is what im after and as my ma keeps telling me.. “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” im going to believe her on that one because i know im already feeling great even tho i still have a long way to go.

more exercise is in my future. i cant do much, but its time i start taking what i can do and pushing myself just a little more. not too much tho, i know all too well the effects of overdoing it for myself. thats when i end up getting hurt because im too tired to transfer properly. none of that, its not allowed anymore. i have found some things i can do in my chair for exercise, which is perfect cause while him and i watch jack bauer kick major ass in 24, i can burn calories. my chair has a power seat, so i can lay it back. that way i can do modified sit-ups. its perfect! and its obviously working, so yay!

my birthday is coming up and normally id have a yummy coffee from starbucks and later on in the evening we would go out for dinner. this year, instead of starbucks im just going to have a regular coffee from home with non-fat cream. however, i already decided im gonna use real sugar. ive tried the other shit and thats just what it is, shit. im skipping starbucks coffee, im keepin my damn sugar, lol. and we are still going to go out for dinner. im not worried about that. ive gone out quite a few times since i started the diet and have made very good choices. plus, it kind of pushes me to do a little more exercising, lol. i am sad tho cause ive sworn off dr pepper until im in england. that may sound lame to most people, but i love dr pepper. love, love love it. its all empty calories tho and i dont need those. im gonna miss it tho, haha.

moving on, ive heard from my friend. the one that i got into a fight with back in september. i refused to call her because i felt it was time for her to be the one to step up and take responsibility for how she acted. i wasnt about to call and fix things, she needed to do it when she was ready. apparently, she was ready at 3:40 this morning. we talked for ten minutes or so. she said she didnt wanna miss my birthday [i missed hers.. well i didnt miss it, i wanted to call, but didnt wanna break so i stood my ground] and that she missed me. im happy she called, i missed her too even tho i was mad at her. i think im going to invite her to go to dinner with us on tuesday. :)

its funny that she called and my parents are going  out of town. normally she would be the one to stay with me, but since we werent on speaking terms i had to ask a different friend. im sure we will all still hang out and her and i will definitely be heading to the tattoo parlor so i can start my new ink. i cant wait for that! its almost theraputic. it hurts, but it feels good and i tend to let my mind wander and get lost in my own thoughts while its being down. its just phase one of the new ink tho.. i cant finish it til i get to england and i cant get to england til i get to my goal weight. its all about motivation and positive mental attitude. and thankfully, i have both of those even tho my attitude may slip at times.. it always goes back to it ;D

anyway, its off to bed for me! i have new products to add to our site tomorrow and exercising to do!

Ability is what you’re capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
Lou Holtz

ive been exercising during the day while im online. i turn on my music and start moving around in my chair as much as possible while i work on the site or graphics. it feels good. makes my back feel better, thats for sure. i texted my cousin tonight. shes been talking about joining weight watchers, but hasnt yet. her and my other cousin were supposed to do it together. to be honest, i dont know if either of them really want to lose the weight, but i know i do. so, when i texted her i asked if she wanted to maybe start coming over on a  regular basis and playing wii with me. its so much fun, but on your own can get slightly boring. plus, if shes serious about losing weight, itll help her and be helping me at the same time.

my parents go out of town in three and a half weeks. im looking forward to a break from them. dont get me wrong, i love my parents. but goddamn, living with them is a whole other story. i know for a fact that if i didnt live at home, my ma and i would get a long so much better. we get along now, but if i were out of the house it would be a much better relationship. however, since im here at least for the time being, im trying to just go with it. and with the new routine i have set for myself, it should keep her off my case.

ok, bedtime for me. i need to be up early!
positive mental attitude + motivation = yay!

A positive mental attitude is the starting point of all riches,
whether they be riches of a material nature or intangible riches.
Napoleon Hill

hibernating sounds perfect. i could sleep and sleep.. and just dream. i love dreaming. i have a tattoo on the inside of my forearm it reads ‘..i wanna see movies of my dreams..‘ its from car by built to spill, i love it. you should have a listen, maybe youll love it too or at least like it.. anyway, i digress.. i know a  lot of people might think thats lame. good thing i didnt get a tattoo to please someone else, huh? i got it cause it means something to me.. cause honestly id love nothing more than to share them with certain people. not all, of course. some are just for me, lol. but still, i would love to even sit back and just watch them like a movie. how cool would that be?

since hibernating isnt really an option, i need to get on the case. i have plans. theres NO way im breaking them! i need to get on track and start a routine. i think thats the first step. im thinking up by 8:30am and in bed by 9:30pm.. and then try to actually sleep. after i post, of course. and then with out a doubt id still do wake up calls. i wouldnt cut those out, lol. i dont know what my second step is yet. well, thats not true, i need to work on our website. i also need to work on photoshop and getting sugarmooch up and running as well. plus, i also wanna get back into art. ive been neglecting it and that needs to stop. and i need to start reading. i miss it, i used to read a lot a few years ago. and i miss getting lost in books. he would tell me to read something that i can learn something from.. i like getting lost in my imagination when i read, tho. so ;p

i think thats a good plan routine wise and goal/objective wise. positive mental attitude, thats what this is about. that is what i am about. :)

We must become the change we want to see.
Mahatma Gandhi