anyway, positive time! our website is looking awesome. he had a great idea for it and i was able to accomplish it. thats always a good feeling. my parents leave in eleven days! yay for vacations ;D and umm.. i honestly dont know what else to post about tonight. regardless of sleeping all day, im pretty tired now. so i think im going to head to bed before that window of opportunity closes and im up all night. besides, i need to be up early tomorrow :) i think i might do some actual artwork. longer post tomorrow tho, promise!

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.
Pablo Picasso

i still didnt know for sure what was going on.. so i called into into the other room. finally, she came into my bedroom and told me that my brother had passed away in his sleep. i went numb. i had emailed him less than a week prior about christmas eve. telling him to stop being a douche towards ma, that she just worries about him and whether or not he likes it, its her job. i told him he should consider coming to the house christmas eve and spend it with the family like we used to do not go downtown with friends.. that his family needs to see him, that we miss him. he never replied back.

from the 30th on is slightly blurry. there was a lot of family over every day without fail. lots of food being delivered and the phone ringing off the hook. random family friends coming by.. it was like grand central station. it still feels surreal. i know i didnt know him all that well considering he didnt live near us and we hardly spoke, reagardless he was my brother. i miss him and ive cried over it more times than i can count. i dont know what to say about it at the moment, but im sure as it sinks in more and more ill post about it. for now, im just going to try and move forward.

Death, the one appointment we all must
keep, and for which no time is set.
Charlie Chan

its true, friends would be nice. so would not being in a chair, not being the odd one out, not being the shy one with no confidence, not being the fat one, not being the ugly one, not being the one who is gonna end up alone.. all those things would be nice. not being alone for the rest of my life would be better. i have this feeling that i might be tho and it scares me.

when i was a kid all i ever dreamed about and wanted was to grow up, fall in love and have a family. i know the family bit is out the window for the most part, but it would still be nice to grow old with someone. my ma always says that i dont need a man to be happy and im not saying i do.. but i do know im happier when i have someone. someone i can share everything with regardless of how im feeling. i know i can share things with him, but being friends with someone is a little different than being involved with someone. the intimate side dissipates, along with the flirting. dont get me wrong, i love our friendship. it means the world to me. but i cant help that i miss the other side to it.. regardless of knowing where we stand.

i just want that hollywood movie ending where everything works out exactly as it should and everyone is happy. i know that it most likely wont and ill stay right where i am while everyone else moves on and makes something of themselves, finding the love of their life and getting married in the process. im trying to do something with my life, i just feel that a lot of the time.. i just dont know where to start. thats why i like the website we are working on. that is the start and now i need to get my ass in gear and finish the products and i need to get my graphic design page up..

maybe when i get down to my goal weight my confidence level with sky rocket. thats the hope anyway. and maybe once that happens ill find someone that wants to be with me. i know im an amazing person. im funny, caring, smart [even tho i dont always think i am] and i know i have a lot of love to give. i just want someone to share it with. im tired of all these movies and shows with these happy couples, but i dont want to become bitter and start saying things like “theres no such thing as happy endings” or “true love is a fairy tale”.. it would go against everything i believed as a kid.

i just dont wanna grow old by myself.. and cats wont suffice. i need to make a pact with someone.. like “if we are not married by the time we are 40, we will marry each other”.. any takers? my guess is no. cant blame a girl for trying tho. im done rambling for now.

Action may not always bring happiness,
but there is no happiness without action.
Benjamin Disraeli

yea, he has had his extreme moments.. hes covered in tattoos, he has had more cars since he turn sixteen than i can count on two hands, he makes elaborate plans to do things that he never follows thru with.. but now.. to be caught up in pills and who knows what else. it scares me. addiction does run in my family. my dad drank for years. my parents marriage was on the rocks for a long time because of it and they almost ended up divorced. he straightened up tho and has been sober for twenty years now.. maybe more. i just hope my brother is strong enough to break the cycle he created for himself. and i hope to god or whatever is out there that it isnt anything more than pills.

i also dont want to see my ma hurting. i know shes more upset than shes showing. and even tho we have been arguing a little bit here and there.. regardless of whats going on with her and i, even if its something major. i never wanna see someone in my family, especially my ma, hurting like she is.

im off for now to go try and relax with my thoughts… but tomorrows another day!

after only having to wait 5 minutes, we were in the room. since we were at a teaching hospital the first person to see us was a student or whatever youd call him. he was over EVERY note that they had on me. he was in there with us for at leat an hour if not longer. then it was time to weigh in. i was in a good mood, i was ready to see my weight. i watched the numbers count up.. they stopped at a number for a brief second, i got excited.. and then it went up. i gained 3 pounds. i was devistated. i still am to be honest. all i wanted to do was cry. we ended up being at the hosital until 12:10pm. it was a long day.

i thought after such a disappointment i needed a smile. we decided to go to the animal shelter and play with the kittens. the new ones arent as playful as the other ones were. still cute, but not as friendly. i was also kind of anooyed with one of the volunteers there. she was probably 10 years old, but every time the kitten even came by me the stupid little bitch would take the cat away from me. it was annoying. we finally left and came home. after we got home i went up to my room and cried for a bit. it was a rought day and that was a big let down.

tomorrow my chair gets brought in for repairs, so ill be sutck in bed all day. looks like itll be graphics and sleep for me. speaking of which, i wanna write more, but im passing out.. so, more tomorrow, sleep for now.