im sitting here listening to the sounds outside my open windows while on voice with him in second life, neither one of us saying much. just the clicking of his keyboard is all i hear and our short conversations every so often. the keyboard noises are quite lulling tho, lol. hes horrible at multitasking. its ok, its normal. i know how it goes. we’re supposed to be working on websites and getting on the case with blogs for our respective sites, we’re not. if we are, its just here and there, not like we should be doing. it happens tho. he gets sidetracked with facebook and i get sidetracked with everything except what i should be working on. ;p

although, if you think about it.. technically i am working on myself and thats what i should ultimately be doing. i mean, i did start this blog to help myself find me.. and i feel like tho i have shared stuff in prior posts, i didnt feel like i was really just letting myself say some of the things that were on my mind or possibly that i was just grazing the top about how i really felt about any given situation. so, ive decided from now on im not holding back, regardless of who does or doesnt read my blog posts. i need to be honest with myself before i can really change the way i feel about me for good.

i think this all came about because at the moment im feeling kind of down. not depressed, but i know this road. its the long way round to that area of town and i dont wanna go there. i feel like im friendless. let me take that back because thats not entirely true. i have one person and i know hes there for me, but i also know he has his own stuff going on. im feeling like i have no one around here on this side of the pond that i can really call a friend. i try to call and make plans, but no luck. im never included in much. when i am and i can go, the person who is supposed to be one of my best friends bails on me and changes her mind about going. in turn, that makes me lose my ride and its too late at night for my ma to drive me. so, then im stuck at home. again.

it gets to me. i feel like a fucking outcast and it hurts. i really try to hide how im feeling sometimes because im just so sick of them. i think maybe, if i pretend long enough that its all ok.. then maybe it will be. but its not. im fat cause when i was younger i felt the same way, but food was always there even if friends werent. so, i ate. i started this nutrisystem diet because i dont wanna be that person anymore. ive been doing really well on it and im continuing too, but i did hit a snag. i did gain a couple pounds cause i had some cheats. yes, i know i shouldnt of, hush. ive already lost it again, so its fine. the reason i believe those days occurred is because of this low mood im in. no more tho! i refuse to fall back into old habits.

..i feel like im rambling at the moment. so im going, but i know where im picking up from later tonight.

tomorrow im starting with the clean out process. im getting rid of so much shit. my ma is going to help me. ive already told her i dont want to hear her say “oh, youre getting rid of that?!” ..cause it always makes me second guess myself and i end up keeping it. not this time tho. i told her i dont even wanna hear it once. i think she got the point. so, im excited to start this. i have so much to get rid of. im giving some of my VHS movies to my nana and then ill sell the rest on craigslist. im also using my old computer that i was gonna sell.. but i bought another gig for it before it broke and i dont use it for anything else.. so im going to attempt to put all my music.. or as much of it thatll fit, onto that computer and then i can sell my cds.. cause honestly, im also getting rid of my stereo. i never ever use it. all i use is my iphone and my laptop. omg! i just realized something! i dont have to get rid of them.. but after i put them all on my computer i can keep the cds in the new van cause it has a cd player! ;D perfect!

im also going to go on craigslist and look for furniture there before going out and buying anything. people will trade on there or they just want it out.. plus, if i dont like it, i can always paint it myself which would be much cheaper. and idont mean like furniture.. i meant like storage things for like my dvds. and i need better art storage and book storage. come to think of it, we might have something in the basement i can use since i rearranged my room.. i might even be able to convince my ma to let/help me paint it.

i think this is a good pet project for me. i need to find myself and i cant do it by being online all the time. dont get me wrong, im not giving up the computer. im just going to be doing things so i wont be on as much. cause of course i still would be on to talk to him, theres not even a question about that.. and id still wanna log into secondlife and chat/dj at night if i wanted to. i just wouldnt be on as much during the day. plus, i would also be on to blog ;D

anyway, i need to sleep. i have a big day tomorrow.. starting with a wake up call for him before i sleep! ;D

tidy house, tidy mind. (if thats wrong, im sure he will correct it, lol)

today was a good day tho. again, i didnt do much, but i spent pretty much all morning and part of the afternoon with my ma. she helped me shower and then we just kinda hung out and bullshitted for awhile it wasnt about anything in particular, just chatting. after that i headed upstairs and into secondlife. the plot him and i had for our home and my shop got reclaimed by the bitch we rented from. i had told her that he would be right on to pay it and she ignored me and returned all our stuff to us as i stood there. i was pissed and annoyed. mainly cause i hate unclumping stuff from my inventory. its a ballache.

after sorting everything out, i headed to the club i manage and i set up a new little home for us to hang out at. its small and cozy and about 2500m in the air. i like it. i like us having our own land and stuff to mess with and build on and whatnot. however, theres no need for him to be spending money on rent for us when we have another place we can do that. plus, the point is to save money, there are other things his money can go to and get him towards his goals of taking over the world amoungst other things. :) so we have a new home on rent free land, yay!

aside from that, not much has happened. i might dj tonight, but honestly.. i dont know as of yet. tomorrow tho im going to work on some graphics and i have tshirts i need to do for a different club.. and ill read a bit possibly.. oh! and talk to him since hes off tomorrow ;D for now tho, im gonna get ready for bed and see what the rest of the night has in store for me.. plus he should be home shortly as well. so til tomorrow.. ;p

and of course we both got a kick out of the fact that because of how i was laying i looked like nothing but a floating head in a sea of plaid. thats thanks to my electric bed being up behind me, my pillow to the side of me and my blankets up around me. seriously, floating head in a sea of plaid. it was quite comical, a nice laugh for the morning lol. in all honesty tho, i liked that i was able to go on cam without a second thought. it felt good.. plus its always nice to see his nerdface. i mean his superfuckin cool face =x ..even when he sits there and makes funny faces about 95% of the time.. always a good time tho.

i know ive also mentioned this before, but i love our morning chats. its really the best way to wake up in the morning. plus, sometimes he just says the things i need to hear, just little reminders that are desperately needed.. especially today, it was perfet timing and much needed. he just always seems to know just when those times are and i love him for that amoungst other reasons.

after our morning chat and he left for the bbq he was going to i chatted with my ma while my dad finally  move the exercise thing into my room. im so excited its finally in here. i used to today too.. only for ten minutes or so tho. no one is home and i didnt want my arms to be too tired just in case no one was here to help me right away. i did use it tho! aside from that, ive fucked around in secondlife today. actually, i ran into an old friend completely by accident and her and i bullshitted for a bit.

i also messed around with photoshop for a bit today. however, i didnt fuck with the logo cause last night when we were discussing what changes he wanted for the it.. i was so tired, i forgot what those changes were lol. now im tired again, which is why im writing this so much earlier than i normally would. this way after he gets home i can chat and then pass out without having to try to stay awake to type. i cant believe its not even 8pm yet and im ready to go to sleep.

tomorrow im going to work on more designs for stationery, read, exercise and after that.. i dont really know right now.. probably sleep, lol! ;p

aside from that, my day was great. i had coffee this morning in bed and then got up at 11am. i made a bunch of textures for some stuff for the club and for my shop. i watched about a bajillion episodes of jon & kate plus 8.. its like a guilty pleasure. i hung out with my ma for a bit. i still havent heard from my friend. im not surprised. she can be pretty stubborn as can i. but like i said before, i know im not the one in the wrong and i refuse to crack on this one.

my dad didnt bring up that thing today, but said he would do it this week if i remind him. so i will, everday until he does. i get my stuff tomorrow from nutrisysem, im so super excited about that. my ma and i might be going to the animal shleter tomorrow if its not storming out, i cant wait to see the kittens. ;D im also gonna read some more tomorrow and work on my stationery designs. for now tho, i need to put out some fires in secondlife with this sim issue.. or at least try to.

im not gonna lie. i miss falling alseep on voice with him. it was always nice to fall asleep with someone or if i woke up in the middle of the night, id hear him snoring or just breathing in general and id drift back to sleep. the best was when hed roll over a certain way and the mic would be in such a spot that you could hear his heartbeat. it was a rarity for it to happen, but when it did.. it was so soothing i could pass out almost immediately.

we both ended up falling asleep tonight on voice. i had to go for a few to get ready for bed and when i got back on here the voice call had ended. sometimes i hate secondlife, lol. so now were both on here, but not on voice. kinda sucks. normally, before id call and wake him up so he could reconnect the call, but i know he was tired and i didnt wanna wake him up. im just kinda hopin he wakes up on his own and reconnects it, lol. im sure by then ill have passed out. ive already fallen asleep 3 different times while trying to type this!

today was another day without any fighting with my ma. it was also another day that passed without my friend calling me. it kinda pisses me off and i feel like if i dont call her, we arent going to talk. i just dont want to give in like that tho. especiallt knowing i didnt do anything wrong. i just wish she would realize that shes in the wrong and actually own up to it and apologize for it so this can all be in the past. who knows when thatll happen tho.. or if it will.

i got to use that scarf he got me today. i was freezing and wanted to put on something warmer. i also didnt want to have to call anyone upstairs to help me.. i tried putting on my zip up hoodie, but just didnt have the strength to do it. i sat there being cold for a good fifteen minutes before i realized i had the scarf to use. i love it. its perfect and i dont need help putting it on, which is even better. also, it smells like that cologne i got him.. another plus. its seriously my favorite scarf and not just cause he got it for me.. i love the material and the color, too.

i seriously keep passing out while i type this and have to keep rereading it to know where my train of thought was going. i think its about time i just go to bed, lol. i have to be up in a bit for his morning wake up call too.. so sleeping before that will be nice. as for me for tomorrow.. im going to keep up with the stationery stuff, maybe work on some art, read.. and i dont know what else. its memorial day, so there might be a bbq.. im not sure tho. oh! and.. just one more day til i get my stuff from nutrisystem! yay!.. thats what else ill try to get done tomorrow, having my dad move that exercise thing up to my room.. hopefully hell do that. who knows if he will tho. ;p

im so frustrated. i actually ended up hanging up on her. she called me after class, but i didnt answer and she didnt leave me a voice mail. and i know im not in the wrong.. so until she apologizes were offically fighting. im also going to be posting an ad tomorrow on craigslist for my new caregiver. the way she handles helping me or lack thereof isnt fair to me. im relying on her and she doesnt come thru. ive had enough.

anyway, moving on. aside from all that.. ive had a pretty good night. my ma helped me up and helped me shower. by the time i was done he was home and we got to chat for a bit before he headed to bed, which is always nice. to be honest, and its only happened a few times cause he was away.. but when we dont talk i feel like my day isnt complete. lol, like something is off. after that, i ended up going to listen to my friends dj set in secondlife and then afterwards did a set of my own. i had fun, i always do when i dj.

tomorrow ill be up early and im gonna sit outside and read for a bit before i come in and do some more art. after that, im not sure.. probably work on some shirts for my shop in secondlife and also some designs for my stationery. ;D

i got up this morning at 11:30am. the earliest ive been up in a long time. called my grams, she rambled for thirty mins. i love her. i gave my ma the card i made her, she asked me if what i wrote was true. i found it upsetting that she had to ask that. i didnt tell her my thoughts. messed around in sl for a bit, got bored and logged. went downstairs made some sort of veggie wrap thing, it was tasty. went back upstairs, logged into sl. fucked around on there for a couple hours. mostly wandering. changed clothes ten times. yes, i counted. i was bored, it happens. read for thirty minutes. drew for an hour. smoked. went downstairs, watched a recorded episode of prison break. talked my dad into going in on dinner for my ma. ate with the folks without fighting for once. watched another prison break. went back upstairs. drew for another twenty minutes. got ready for bed. talked to my caregiver. my ma is gonna do mornings, shes gonna do nights. itll work out better in the long run. thought about djing. didnt. ended up djing for a couple people and myself. fixed the club. hung with my bff. i heart her face. smoked. set up the building for a new shop location. gonna redo my adverts. yes, i called them adverts. my bff and i took pictures for them. we didnt finish.

need to draw more tomorrow. check craigslist for jobs. go to the post office to mail his prezzies. yay! ;D

i think tomorrow im going to post an ad on craigslist for a new one and look for a job while im on there as well. there were a few that i saw when i glanced at it earlier that looked like potentials, so keep your fingers crossed! im excited about tomorrow, actually. i think that im going to have my ma help me get up in the morning so i can work on my art. im setting a goal for myself to have it finished by the time he gets back from holiday. im excited about tomorrow cause of my art, but im sad cause hes leaving for a few days, lol. i know he needs the holiday, tho. plus, we still get to chat.. just not  like normal. ;p but, with all that extra time ill have to find something to do… so thats why im workin on my drawing. and then i get to start the mulitple canvas one! ;D

im heading off to secondlife now. i have a friends rezday party to attend and then dj for her. lol, im sure ill come back later and ramble for a bit. but if not… then tomorrow!

tomorrows agenda: art, reading, craigslist.