they are planning on retiring in arizona. so, they are going out there to go house shopping. granted they wont actually be moving out there for another five years or more. im not really sure what their plans are exactly, but i know my ma has mentioned staying out there in the winter and stuff cause she doesnt really want to sell the house were in now. personally, i dont want them to sell the house were in now either.

my ma and i have talked about it before. i told her that she should let me and a couple friends rent the house while they are gone and then when they come into town obviously they would stay here. i think it would be cool. i really would love to have a place of my own, but to be honest it would be difficult to do that because things do need to be set up a certain way so i can transfer and all that jazz. however, by the time i get down to my goal weight it might be so easy that it doesnt matter how things are set up cause ill be able to do my transfers regardless. who knows tho, that ill have to just wait and see about.

honestly, i dont want to move out to arizona, but i know i dont want to stay in chicago either. im hoping that when i lose all this weight, itll also give me a sense of freedom. i know ill be able to transfer easier. but it also means other people will be able to help me easier, lift me if need be. hell, they will even be able to carry me up stairs if its needed. ill be able to go places ive never been able to go and do things ive never been able to do. i know itll give me the confidence im currently lacking. and maybe just maybe, ill be able to live where ever i want to live because everything else will be so much easier for me.

and if thats not the case.. well him and i will always have our huts on the beach when we become successful and rich! lol

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

its infuriating knowing that i used to be able to transfer without having to worry about falling. i used to joke about it cause at the time it had only happened once or twice because of something i did, whether it was put the chair or my hand in the wrong place. my grandma leaves the room when i transfer cause the way i lean over the side of the chair freaks her out. she always tells me to be careful and my immediate reaction was always, “i know what im doin, grams”.. but now i actually have to heed her advice.

no one really understands what im going thru. i mean, i know there are other people that are going thru similar situations, but none of our situations are exactly alike. the ones of us going thru it can understand to a greater degree tho. think about it tho.. think about a task you do on a daily basis and then think about losing the ability to accomplish that task.. slowly, some days being worse than others. all you can do is deal with it, but how? thats the fucking problem. its like im supposed to just let the few things i can do on my own just slip away.. just watch what little independence i have go right down the drain. there isnt much i can do. im already doing that, im taking the vitamins, im excercising as much as i can. i dont know what else i can do.

i can be a vindictive bitch (however, im usually not), but i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. ive thought about that tho. like what if one day i had the choice: stay the way i am and continue down this path or pass it on to someone else, in turn being completely healed. could i do that to someone else knowing the difficulty they would face? i know in my past ive been selfish. to be honest, maybe im in the chair because of something i did in a past life. who really knows? but i think if given the choice.. i honestly wouldnt know what my answer would be. i mean, of course id not wanna be in the chair, but knowing that someone else would have to be.. that would be nerve racking. if i had to choose.. as bad as i would feel.. id have to pass it on. being free from this physical prison is all ive ever wanted. ill say this tho, whoever ended up in the chair because of my decision would have one hell of a caregiver. cause i know i wouldnt just leave them hanging.

anyway, the creative ideas are still flowing. as a matter of fact, im working on a build in secondlife.. ive just taken a break so i can write this. im still working on my art piece, which will hopefully be done in the next week or so and then id like to start working on the three canvas piece. i mess with some stationery earlier, too. i wasnt happy with how it turned out, but im gonna keep working at it. i didnt read today, i couldnt concentrate. maybe tomorrow ill give it another go.

the logo took a few hours to accomplish, but before that i set a new record for myself. i transferred in under 5 minutes from the shower to my chair. ive never been able to do that transfer so quick because of the way the chairs are next to each other.. but today was no problem at all. i dont know has come over me today, but my energy feels like its gone through the roof. the funny thing is tho is that i dont feel well. my tummy just doesnt feel right and im a little shaky.. but somehow or another its sending my mood and energy level sky high. so even tho i feel like shit, i feel fucking incredible, lol. its so weird.

im excited about this weekend with my ma being gone. i have a bunch of errands planned with my friend, so hopefully shell actually wake up in time to do them. they all have to do with a package im sending to him, he knows a few of the items.. but some he doesnt. so i wont be disclosing what errands i have to run, lol. oh! and.. hopefully.. ill get some herbal refreshments this weekend as well. which, i gotta say.. im so fuckin excited about! ;D

im chatty, but i dont know what to talk about.. so im going to take my leave.. what an odd phrase, by the way. take my leave. ha. ok.. lol anyway! our friend from ireland goes home tomorrow.. so im going to go visit with her one last time and maybe when i get back from that ill have a few more things to chat about.. cause for some reason i can almost guarantee there will be alcohol involved in the visitation.

all that aside, i had a record today. i transferred out of bed in three minutes. usually it takes about 10-15.. then i was done getting ready this morning in less than 30 mins, including the original out of bed transfer. this may seem like nothing to most people. but its a huge accomplishment for me. i didnt do any origami today and i tried to do more crocheting, but im still confused on these stitches. i found a great how to video tho, but i seriously need to watch it about 30 bajillion more times before ill get the stitch down lol. its fun and frustrating all at the same time. hopefully by winter there will be a scarf to show for all my hard work lol. i have a long way off til then, so if its not done by then.. i think im gonna have to call it quits on crocheting. but not yet!

anyway, today was a rollercoaster.. and im pretty sure that ride is over. im good. we are good. everything is fine. tomorrow is a new day, more crocheting, lots of coffee (fucking amazing), and definitely less drinking.. maybe just one or two tomorrow night lol. ;p

ps. yay for spell check! ;D