so later on last night he decided to turn on his webcam. ive only been on mine twice before that. both times as short as they were, coincidentally enough, were with him. after a few minutes he coaxed me into turning mine on. lets put aside the fact that i had on a considerably bright pink shirt and two lovely spots on my face, both of which just happened to pop up earlier in the day yesterday like they knew something was gonna go down later on. fuckers. regardless of that, im not happy with how i look. im still on my diet, i still havent lost anything more than the thirty pounds ive previously mentioned. i was feeling a bit self-conscious. still, when we went thru all that shit last year i told him any questions he had, any requests whatever the case is id answer it or do it cause i owed him that much. and its true, i did. dont get me wrong, i dont feel obligated to do anything, he is however my best friend and he stuck by me when he could have told me to fuck off. so on went my webcam, bright pink shirt and all.

i admit, its a bit awkward at first. i had brought up going on cam a few weeks ago. of course at the time tho i hadnt planned on doing it quite so soon. i was hoping to maybe have lost more weight by then. dont tell anyone.. but i kind of like that were doing it now. for one, it truly is one of the best motivations. i can see myself the entire time and tho it does make me a bit self-conscious, at the same time it motivates me to really stick to the diet and my exercises. and itll allow him to see the progression as well. plus, itll help me to be less shy once i do head off to england. how can you be shy around someone who has been seeing you on webcam for x amount of months? you cant. well, you can, but it definitely wouldnt be the same kind of shyness.

what it all boils down to tho is that regardless of how self-conscious i am or what i look like, hes my best friend. it doesnt matter if my hair isnt right, if i have a couple spots on my face, if im feeling less than pretty [which is often, for now].. he doesnt care. because despite all that, bright pink shirt included, im still amazing. tho i might not always see it shine thru, i know at least one person does. and much like the lotus blossom, i need to work my way up thru the mud until i can break thru and see for myself once and for all how fucking awesome i actually am. until then tho, im not going to let a little self-consciousness get in my way.. at least thats the plan! just gotta keep my goals in mind and right now the only goal i have is england.

Don’t be afraid to be amazing.
Andy Irwin

and of course we both got a kick out of the fact that because of how i was laying i looked like nothing but a floating head in a sea of plaid. thats thanks to my electric bed being up behind me, my pillow to the side of me and my blankets up around me. seriously, floating head in a sea of plaid. it was quite comical, a nice laugh for the morning lol. in all honesty tho, i liked that i was able to go on cam without a second thought. it felt good.. plus its always nice to see his nerdface. i mean his superfuckin cool face =x ..even when he sits there and makes funny faces about 95% of the time.. always a good time tho.

i know ive also mentioned this before, but i love our morning chats. its really the best way to wake up in the morning. plus, sometimes he just says the things i need to hear, just little reminders that are desperately needed.. especially today, it was perfet timing and much needed. he just always seems to know just when those times are and i love him for that amoungst other reasons.

after our morning chat and he left for the bbq he was going to i chatted with my ma while my dad finally  move the exercise thing into my room. im so excited its finally in here. i used to today too.. only for ten minutes or so tho. no one is home and i didnt want my arms to be too tired just in case no one was here to help me right away. i did use it tho! aside from that, ive fucked around in secondlife today. actually, i ran into an old friend completely by accident and her and i bullshitted for a bit.

i also messed around with photoshop for a bit today. however, i didnt fuck with the logo cause last night when we were discussing what changes he wanted for the it.. i was so tired, i forgot what those changes were lol. now im tired again, which is why im writing this so much earlier than i normally would. this way after he gets home i can chat and then pass out without having to try to stay awake to type. i cant believe its not even 8pm yet and im ready to go to sleep.

tomorrow im going to work on more designs for stationery, read, exercise and after that.. i dont really know right now.. probably sleep, lol! ;p