ive been looking into different places to rent a wheelchair from while im out there, thats one of my main concerns. i need something that can be broken down, but still be electric. but then it still needs to be a chair that is firm compared to most collaspable chairs which usually have soft backs and seats. at this point in time i know i wouldnt be comfortable in something like that for a long period of time. and i plan on being in england for at least a week, week and a half.. who knows at this point really, lol.

im hoping by the time im down to my goal weight, the kind of chair wont matter cause itll be easier for me to shift positions or if need be have someone lift me onto a couch or something of that nature. im getting closer to my goal every day. ive lost a a few more pounds and am down 22.8lbs so far! ive found new exercises i can do from my chair while i watch shows online with him, plus im still wii’ing.

ive been saving up for my trip as well. my new fund jar is for our london excursion while im over there. we plan on going down that way for a night or two, possibly see a friend and his girlfriend while we are there as well. thats what the bowl is for tho. all spare change will go in there and before i head overseas ill cash it and whats ever in there will go towards our mini trip within a trip ;D

im really excited about going over there and getting to hang out with him! its definitely the best motivation and just the kick in the ass that i needed. ive been on diets before. the most i lost was 10lbs and i was in my teen years at that point. the diets i tried after that, i dont know.. i guess i wasnt motivated enough. i didnt care about myself. i didnt feel like anyone did. of course, i know now its not true. but at the time its how i felt. i would cheat on the diet without a second thought.

now tho.. even thinking about cheating on it i feel guilty and choose not to do it. im pretty sure that a big part of that is that i tend to tell him everything. so if i cheated, i would definitely tell him and then id be disappointed in myself and whether he felt the same or not.. i would think he would be. i dont want that. plus, i owe this to myself to stick to it and continue on the road im on because in the long run its all for the better. i didnt think i had the willpower, but ive already proved myself wrong. i will get to my goal weight and when i do.. its england or bust. :)

Strength does not come from physical capacity,
it comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

its something ive wanted for a long time. and now, i feel like im actually in the right frame of mind to do it. i want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with myself. i want to feel good and i want to look good. i know i still wont be the prettiest, i cant change that. but i can change my weight.

it is hard tho, food is a great fuckin thing. especially when youre feeling depressed. its comfort. i know its what ive used in the past, the major draw back with it tho is that as soon as you eat, you feel guilty. then upset. then more depressed.. so what do you do? eat more. its a vicious, vicious circle. but im done with it. im breaking that cycle. there are more productive things out there to do then shove food down my throat. i havent done the depressed binge eating in a long time, but it has been done in the past. but now.. instead of that, im going to draw.. or blog.. or crochet.. anything except give in to my old habits.

the worst part is all the fucking ads they have on tv, in magazines or just driving down the street. its everywhere, around every corner and everyone needs it to live. my will power needs to be stronger.. and i truly feel like im ready to punch my weight in the fucking face and overcome it. i want it more now than ever and i need it. and when i do, itll be one of my greatest accomplishments.. with so many more to follow after.